2/12/2015 Don't Drink, Don't Smoke, Don't Be In An Unhealthy Relationship: The Conversation We Need To HaveBy Sara Forcella, See the Triumph Contributor
I have five cousins on my maternal side--4 of whom are very close in age--ranging from 15 to 21. I’ve had the honor of watching them grow and mature into amazing teens and young adults. In fact, I’d like to give myself a pat on the back for being a great role model. Not only was I lucky enough to live close to them, but I was lucky enough to mentor them in a way. Because of our age difference, I grew up talking to my cousins about things like relationships, both intimate and not, about drinking, drugs, college and life in general. I can’t count the number of times I’ve told them not to smoke cigarettes, not to ever try drugs, and to be careful while drinking. I’ve told them to use protection when and if they decide that they are ready to take their relationships to the next level. I’ve told them to never drink and drive, and that if they ever do decide to drink that it’s 100 percent acceptable to call me to get them home safely. I’ve told them these things knowing that as teenagers we all make mistakes, we all make bad decisions, and that no one is ever truly prepared to be a teenager. I wasn’t. The one topic that I never really talked to them about was dating violence. But sitting here writing about the significance of Teen Dating Awareness Month, I realize that should have. Just like talking to them about parties and sex, teens need to know that dating violence is a risk factor for them. In fact, one statistic asserts that “one in three adolescents in the U.S. is a victim of physical, sexual, emotional or verbal abuse from a dating partner, a figure that far exceeds rates of other types of youth violence” (Love Is Respect. Org). And for the ones who are lucky enough not to face abusive dating relationships in high school, they still run the risk of dealing with it in college. Even folks who are never victims of dating violence likely know at least one perpetrator or victim, whether they know it or not. My cousins--and all of our teens--they need to know that dating violence is happening all around them. It’s crucial to teach teenagers not only how to be good intimate partners (we can do this by having conversations and by modeling what healthy relationships like), but also what some red flags of unhealthy relationships look like. Some red flags for parents and caretakers to look for include things like a change in appearance, a lack of interest in things that one used to like, a pulling away from friends and family, bruises, a lack of self confidence, and fear of one’s partner. Teens need to understand the difference between truly being loved, and being controlled but told that they are loved. Partners often use things like put downs and guilt as forms of violence. Many times, it’s hard for teens to realize that they are even being abused. Other red flags can be if they are spending a lot of time with their partner and decreasing time with friends and family. While it’s normal for most couples to go through a “honeymoon phase,” it’s important that teens especially don’t lose touch with other social connections. Being a teenager is confusing And quite frankly, at 25, I still find relationships to sometimes be confusing. That’s why it’s so important for us to let our teens know that not all relationships are healthy, that both boys and girls can be victims of dating violence, and that there are so many great resources out there that can provide help. Teen’s dealing with dating violence or stalking are never alone! Parents, here is a list of a few great websites to share with your teens: An important number to know if you suspect a teen is dealing with dating violence is: 1−800−799−SAFE(7233), or TTY 1−800−787−3224 In recognition of Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month, WSJS Radio in North Carolina interviewed See the Triumph Co-Founder, Christine Murray, to share information about the dynamics of abusive dating relationships and what people can do to get help for abusive relationships. You can listen to the interviews by downloading the files at the links below.
Teen Dating Violence Interview, Part 1 Teen Dating Violence Interview, Part 2 By Christine Murray, See the Triumph Co-Founder
When you’re first dating someone that you like, and maybe even fall in love with, it can be tempting to want to spend every waking moment with them. If you’re dating someone you’re really interested in, they’re probably on your mind a lot of the time, and you want to focus a lot of your time, energy, and attention on getting to know that person and spending as much time as you can with them. Obviously, you need to spend time with someone you’re dating to really get to know them. But, I encourage you to resist the urge to make any person the center of your life early in a dating relationship. An important part of having a safe, healthy dating relationship is keeping up with your friends, family members, and interests during the relationship. It’s important for each person in a relationship to have some separate interests and experiences, as well as to maintain their own unique identity even as the relationship gets really close. Isolation is a key factor that can increase teens’ risk of being involved in an abusive relationship. Even if your relationship stays safe, you’ll want to have a strong network of friends, family members, and others around you for support for the challenges that you’ll face in your life, whether they relate to your relationship or other issues in your life. Also, keep up with your interests (such as sports or hobbies) so that you’ll always have opportunities to enjoy fun and positive experiences in your life. When you first start dating someone, it’s normal for there to be a transition time as you figure out how much time you’ll spend with your new partner, and how that relationship will impact other areas of your life. Overall, though, be sure in your new relationship to ask yourself if your new relationship is helping you stay connected to the people in your life, as well as the other things that are important to you. If you find yourself becoming more isolated, talk with a friend, trusted adult, or counselor so they can support you in figuring out if this is a healthy relationship for you. For all of these reasons, our second message during this second week of our focus on #safedating4teens is this: Stay connected to your friends, family, and interests when you’re dating. By Vanessa Stevens, See the Triumph Guest Blogger Our teen years are a time of experimenting, learning about ourselves and how we relate to others. Whether or not you’ve been in an abusive relationship, it’s wise to enter every relationship with caution. It’s smart, actually. According to statistics, teens between the ages of 16 to 24 are the most common demographic to experience dating violence. This month – designated nationally as Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month—we at See the Triumph are focusing on 4 weeks, 4 important messages on dating. Here’s a list of do’s and don’ts to remember before and during dating: · Do teach people how to treat you. Sophia Nelson, author of The Woman Code says you teach people how to treat you based on what you tolerate or don’t. If you love yourself, set and enforce boundaries, you won’t stand for treatment that doesn’t feel right. · Do identify and honor your needs. Why do you want a relationship? Are your friends each involved with someone? Do you want to fit in with a particular clique that the guy or girl you like is part of? Is it because you don’t want to feel lonely on a weekend? Are you willing to balance studying, homework, extracurricular activities, and/or a part-time job with time dating? · Don’t be like Bella. JThe movies and book were entertaining, but Twilight is not the model for a healthy relationship. There was stalking, manipulation and isolation from Bella’s friends, family and her interests. Bella became so obsessed with Edward, her love interest, that she eventually gave up her future to be with him, and to change who she was entirely! Sure, some married couples met in high school or college, but our teen years are a time for exploring our independence. · Do love yourself first. I wish I could tell you this is easy to do! You’re at the time when you are learning to accept your skills, your physical appearance, and how to fit in with peers and the world around you. Loving ourselves seems the last thing we do when we are under our own constant scrutiny. For tips to love yourself, refer back to the Self Care series. · Don’t be so available. Though it’s tempting to want to spend a lot of time with a new crush, your own life and schedule shouldn’t change or be put on hold. Trust is important—very important—and takes time to develop. One of the warning signs is a rushing to get serious. Healthy relationships honor time to get to know one another. Let the phone go to voice mail, don’t rush to return a text or email, order what you want on your side of the pizza, for example. (These can also be tests: Does he/she text you back angrily when you don’t respond right away?) Does he/she seem overly jealous or possessive? Are you ordering what he/she wants on the pizza, or is there a compromise?) · Don’t date your abuser all over again. What do I mean by this? When we meet someone we just seem to “click” with, we may unconsciously feel hope at the chance to confront past pain, to finally heal. This person may have traits that remind us of our abusive parent or past relationship. Chances are we will go down the same dead-end road of being abused again. The only way to heal is to attract positive, healthy people in your life. Beginning a new relationship is exciting. A survivor’s biggest fear is that they’ll be abused by someone else. Follow these tips but most importantly trust yourself. Listen to your gut and your intuition. If something feels wrong, or strange or weird, it could be a sign of an unhealthy relationship. After several abusive relationships in both high school and college, I remember thinking I would always attract abusers or that every new boyfriend would abuse me. Today, I know that’s not the case. I am married to a healthy, respectful and trustworthy man and the relationships I keep around me are healthy. It took years of learning to recognize abuse, then lowering and eliminating my tolerance of it. Take your time, get educated (see the sites below for more), and know that everyone deserves respect, trust, and real (healthy) love. Some books and resources to help define healthy dating:
Or, contact your local domestic violence or women’s resource center. The Purple Song Project: It is possible to thrive. Offering survivors of domestic violence hope, healing and awareness… through songs! Founder Vanessa Stevens is on a mission to identify what helps survivors really, truly move on after trauma and explores the ways music and art can help others heal. She has presented to teens on college campuses about preventing abuse. She also is a freelance article writer (online and off) and produces theme songs for businesses, non-profits and films. Purple song.com, twitter (@Van Stevens) or follow the project on Facebook. |
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