By Maxine Browne, See the Triumph Guest Blogger Part of our Series on “Parenting Toward Nonviolence” I got out of a 10 year marriage characterized by extreme control. Although there was almost no physical violence in the relationship, the severe verbal, emotional and psychological abuse was off the charts. I had been erased as a person. I was crushed into dust. After I left and began rebuilding my life, I had one persistent fear: How could I prevent my (then) 10-year old daughter from marrying someone like her father because this was all she has ever seen? I did not want to undermine her relationship with her dad. However, I could not allow her to think that his way of doing things was acceptable. So, I began pointing out what healthy behavior looked like whenever unhealthy behavior was present. When he would call and hang up and call and hang up, screaming into voicemail, demanding that I answer the phone immediately, I would say, “When someone does not answer the phone, you leave a voicemail. When the person is available, they will call you back. What you are seeing is not healthy behavior.” When he would say horrific things about my side of the family, I would tell her, “Just because Daddy says it doesn’t mean it’s true.” Then, I would bring her around her family as frequently as possible so that exposure to them would in itself dispel his lies. As she grew, she seemed to figure some things out on her own. She recognized stalking behavior when she saw it and she named it as such. She grew to love her family, in spite of the things he had said. She exhibited healthy behaviors. As she attended high school, I saw that she now had extracurricular activities and needed a cell phone for communication. So, my new husband and I provided one for her. Her father had a fit and said that he did not want her to use it during the weeks she was in his house. (This happened to be the times when she needed the phone the most because he had her during the school week.) She asked to be able to have the phone anyway and said she would make sure Dad did not find it. We agreed after warning her that this was a risky decision. Well, a few months into this plan, she used the phone to call home to let her father know that she was getting a ride home from school due to an after-school meeting. When she arrived home, he was furious that she had the cell phone. He demanded she give the phone to him, whereupon he dropped it into a five gallon bucket of water and left it there for 24 hours. She called us to let us know what had happened. Oh God! Another teaching moment! And this one would require more drastic classroom tactics. I wanted to teach her that no one has the right to destroy your property, especially since she had been raised in a home where her father went through my purse and other belongings and where there were no boundaries when it came to property. This lesson mattered. I called my ex and explained that we were going out of town for two weeks. When we returned, I expected my daughter to have in her hand a phone of the same model and with the same features as the phone he had destroyed. If he did not replace the phone, I would then call the police and have him arrested for destruction of property. When we returned from the trip and my child arrived for my visitation weekend, she had the new phone in her possession. I was, however, frustrated by what she said to me. She said, “Why did you do that to Dad?” I wanted to scream! Instead, I told her, “I did that for you. I was trying to teach you that no one has the right to destroy your property. It is wrong. It is even illegal. The lesson was for you. It really had nothing to do with your father.” My daughter is now 19 and in her second year of college. There are fewer classes these days, but I still play watchdog. I am determined to break the cycle of domestic violence with me. One failed marriage and two kids later, Maxine Browne married a man she thought was the answer to her prayers. He turned out to be her worst nightmare. After 10 years of debilitating emotional and psychological control, she found herself contemplating suicide. She left instead and rebuilt her life from nothing. This transformational experience made such an impact on her that she committed her life to empowering others. Maxine Browne uses her inspirational story as a keynote. She facilitates workshops on The Dynamics of Domestic Violence, Rebuilding Your Life after Divorce, and Co-Parenting with Your Crazy Ex. Maxine co-authored the International Best Seller, The Missing Piece compiled by Kate Gardner. She is the author of Years of Tears, the story of her family’s journey through domestic violence and recovery. Contact Maxine to speak at your next event at maxinebrowne@dv-recovery.com. Visit her website at www.maxinebrowne.com. By Christine Murray, See the Triumph Co-Founder I have a confession to make. Despite the fact that I’m a passionate advocate against violence in all forms, I am also a mom who regularly hears exchanges like the following one in my own home:
But still, I struggle as a parent in thinking about how my children view violence and fighting as entertainment. And, to them, it is truly so fun! These play fights are times when they seem to laugh the hardest. They often seem like they could play like this for hours without getting bored. It seems to be one of the greatest ways they bond, too.
One thing I find fascinating is that they seem to have a highly developed set of rules of fair play when it comes to their fighting. For example, they may thrust their swords toward each other, but they rarely actually hit each other, and when they do, the one who was hit usually yells, “No hitting!” And yet, I cringe every time I hear and see my boys play like this, and in truth this issue is one that I struggle with a lot as a parent. I want my children to grow up to be loving, peaceful, nonviolent individuals. I want them to be free from perpetrating or experiencing violence in any form--physical, emotional, and sexual. I want them to become advocates against violence and abuse, in whatever big or small forms that may take. Could I stop this? I don’t know! When I was watching my one son practice his ninja moves, I asked him how he learned those moves. He told me he practices them when he’s alone in his room. I can’t conceivably watch every move my kids make every moment of every day, can I? Believe me, I have tried so hard to not allow violent play to enter their lives. One time, when my older son was in preschool, he and his buddies became fascinated with guns. At that time, I hadn’t allowed any toy guns into my home, and still today that is a type of toy I do my best to avoid. However, he and his friends became highly creative and skilled at making their own “guns” with other objects, and when all else failed, with their fingers. I would say, “We don’t play with guns in our family.” And what I’d always hear back was, “But it’s not a gun.” I heard lots of creative stories about what the not-a-guns really were, the best being a “jelly shooter.” I realized through all of this that I am somewhat limited in what I can do to stop my kids from taking part in play that has violent undertones. I’ll only touch on my thoughts about how gender factors into all of this here. I don’t buy into the notion that “Boys will be boys” and so somehow they are entitled to violent play. I do think that somehow the fact that they are boys plays into this, but from a parenting perspective, I have no female children of my own to compare them to. One observation I’ve had is that they seem in tune with gender rules around aggression and roughhousing. For example, they typically ask adult males to wrestle and roughhouse, but not females. As their parent, regardless of the fact that they are boys, I want them to be peaceful and learn nonviolent ways of resolving conflict and being entertained. What can I do? I’m still figuring out the best ways to handle this. I am guessing some people will read this and think I’m overreacting to so-called “normal” boy behavior, or at least perhaps I’m over-thinking it. But, I want to be intentional about helping my boys grow into nonviolent adults, so here are a few of the ways I try to address their violent play. First, to some extent, I let them learn the natural consequences of fighting and violence. This one still hasn’t quite sunk in for them, but when one of them gets hurt as a result of fighting, I talk with them about how that is what happens when people are rough with each other. I want them to learn that violent behaviors have consequences, whether these consequences are physical, emotional, or damaging to their relationships. Second, I use their play fights as learning opportunities for all of us. I ask them a lot of questions to try to understand more about why they think this is fun, how they know not to hurt each other, and what it’s like for them when they’re play fighting. We’ve had some great conversations about all of these topics, and it’s helped me to understand why they enjoy this type of play so much. Third, I try to keep an ongoing conversation with them (at an age-appropriate level, of course) about violent and unhealthy versus safe and healthy relationships in all areas of their lives. This includes the media they watch and use, as well as their experiences with their peers. Recently, we’ve been talking a lot about bullying at school, including various options for responding if bullying occurs. And finally, I keep a close watch on their behaviors so that I can be certain that their play doesn’t cross over the fine line between play fighting and sibling abuse. I make sure the laughter far, far outweighs the tears. I watch and listen to make sure I don’t see any signs that would alert me that the line has been crossed, such as if one child was pummeling the other all the time, if one child was consistently using more force than the other, and if I noticed any changes in either child’s behavior or mood. Parenting is the hardest job I’ve ever had. There are few things I want more for my boys than peaceful, loving, safe, and happy relationships throughout their lives. Every day, I can do my best to model that for them and to help them learn how to build that kind of relationship with the important people in their lives. 5/4/2014 Breaking the CycleBy Laura Fogarty, See the Triumph Guest Blogger Secrecy. Lies. Guilt. Shame. These are the cornerstones of any abusive family. It doesn’t really matter the type of abuse, or the severity; the secrets, the lying, the overwhelming guilt and shame are there. In my case, for my childhood, it was sexual abuse that caused the secrets, and the lies, and the guilt and the shame. I hadn’t even acknowledged my own abuse before I had children, but before I ever admitted anything to myself, I knew I wanted things to be different for them. If you ask my children, they will tell you I never lied to them. Ever. Sometimes, I bet they wished I would have. As they have grown up and grown older, I think it is one of the things they have come to count on: they can trust me. “Is there really such thing as the Easter Bunny?” my then two-year-old asked. My answer, “No. I’m sorry, but no. He is make-believe.” There is probably some appropriate middle ground between the lies and the secrecy of abuse and the honesty that I required of myself, but I couldn’t find the way there and so I made truth the only option, no matter the circumstances. I never kept secrets. I told them anything and everything they wanted to know. Breaking the cycle is not an insurmountable task, nor is it an easy one. I went to the opposite end of the spectrum for my children. I was young and naïve. I thought if I gave them my time, and my heart, and my honesty that I would have successfully broken the cycle for my children. I believed if I was nice, they would be nice and that was my only rule – “be nice.” Again, there has to be a middle ground between abuse and never showing negative emotions. Thankfully, for my children, my approach worked. They were and are kind, considerate, wonderful people. When they were little, I thought if I was angry it made me a bad person. It took me a long time to realize that I was allowed to be angry. It’s what you do with the anger, or in the midst of it, that makes you either abusive or not. Simply having a negative emotion doesn’t make you horrible; it makes you human. While my parenting tactics worked for my family, my children, they may or may not work for others. No one way of parenting works for every child or every family, and I certainly don’t claim to know everything, but I do know this – every child deserves a peaceful, safe home, and it doesn’t really matter the reason for creating it for them. Laura Fogarty writes “AskLala” for the Stop Abuse Campaign and is a certified facilitator for Darkness to Light. She is a mother, an advocate, and the author of two children’s abuse prevention books: I’m the Boss of Me and We Are Just Alike! As a survivor of child sexual abuse, she is dedicated to raising awareness about the culture of abuse in order to prevent it. Laura lives on the beach in Charleston, South Carolina. 5/3/2014 Parenting in a Violent CultureBy Karen Bean, See the Triumph Contributor
There was a random shooting at a local mall, Concord Mills, recently. Violence of this nature seems to be on the rise and its proximity to my home in north Charlotte makes it somehow even more real and unsettling. How do we raise peace-loving children when violence is all around us? News stations seem to lead with the latest story of violence. Plots of movies, video games, and television programs frequently focus on violence shown in graphic detail. My sons are adults now and, while we did not have toy guns in the house when they were growing up, they went through phases in which action figures with a host of tiny weapons dominated their play. Today my sons are both pursuing careers in which non-violence is an integral part. I am incredibly proud of them and asked them to reflect on the source of their non-violent natures. They did not provide much detail, but the singular answer was – mom and dad. I wonder - how does this parent/child dynamic really work? Decades of child development research suggest a relationship between optimal functioning children and parenting behaviors such as being attentive, stimulating, loving, and responsive with infants; and providing continued nurturance combined with warmth and consistent discipline as children grow into teens. It is complicated, though, because parenting does not occur in a vacuum. According to Belsky, influences include: parents’ own upbringing and experiences, the unique characteristics of the child, and the context of support and stress. The interaction of family, home, school, social media, and an instantaneous news cycle in a violent culture all have impacts large and small. Looking back on the time when my sons were growing up, I can think of many things I wish I had done or said differently. But perhaps the best we can do is to try to honor the value of each and every human being that we interact with each day. It may seem like a small thing, but it could serve as an example for children and, if this approach were embraced by society, the collective affects could take us a long way towards a peaceful world. Reference: Belsky, J. (1984). The determinants of parenting: A process model. Child Dev. 55: 83–96. 5/1/2014 Reflections on Parenting Toward Nonviolence in a Violence Culture: Introduction to our May SeriesBy Christine Murray, See the Triumph Co-Founder
This month, in honor of Mother’s Day (and Father’s Day coming up next month), we’re turning our attention to parenting. Specifically, we’re focusing on how people who work every day to address domestic and sexual violence think about parenting toward nonviolence, in light of the work they do. One of our main goals with See the Triumph is to challenge the stigma surrounding abuse, and we believe that one of the best places for these conversations to begin is within families. Also, we know that often parents struggle with how to talk to their children about violence, how to raise their children to be nonviolent, and how to navigate representations of violence in the media. Throughout this month, you’ll find blogs--including from some of our regular contributors, as well as several guest bloggers--in our series on parenting in a culture in which violence--and particularly intimate partner and sexual violence--are so prevalent. We invited contributions from people who have personal, professional, and volunteer experiences related to domestic and sexual violence, and also who are parents (with children of any age). We know that children who experience violence in their home are at risk for a number of possible outcomes later in life. One place to learn more about these risks is through the Adverse Childhood Experiences Study. Of course, risks don't equal destiny, and there are many resources that can help children to develop resilience even in the face of serious challenges. Children need safe, secure environments to grow up on. That's one of the reasons we've been honored to partner with the Stop Abuse Campaign, in that one of their main goals is to give children the right to a safe home to grow up in. Although often domestic violence and child maltreatment are spoken about as separate phenomena, these forms of violence often co-occur, often along with other issues like bullying and sexual assault. In my own experience, I've found that it's impossible to completely separate the work that I do to address violence from my views on parenting. I spend a lot of time thinking about how to raise my children to be nonviolent, as well as about how violence in the world around them will impact their own lives and relationships. And for those reasons, I'm so excited about our series this month! Stay tuned throughout the month to learn about how people who are engaged in violence prevention and response initiatives incorporate what they learn into their own views and experiences with parenting. We hope you'll share your own views on this subject with us, too! |
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