10/18/2014 0 Comments Step 5: Tell Them That They Deserve To Be Treated With Dignity, Respect, and LoveBy Christine Murray, See the Triumph Co-Founder
When someone you care about is being abused, there are many practical ways you can provide support. As we’ve discussed in the previous blogs in this series, these ways may include asking them what help they need, helping them to connect with resources in their community, and taking action to promote their safety. These are all really important and meaningful ways you can potentially help someone who is being abused. Our fifth step in how to help someone you know who is being abused is just as important, and it's something that virtually anyone can do. It requires no special training or knowledge about intimate partner violence. All it requires is a genuine intention to support and build up the person you care about. To put Step 5 in context, let’s consider what life is like for many survivors of intimate partner violence. Not only is there often physical and/or sexual violence, but abusive people often regularly attempt to tear down, humiliate, blame, manipulate, and control their partners. Imagine being on the receiving end of this. Perhaps every day (and maybe even multiple times a day), you are told you are worthless, ugly, or stupid. You are told that you are bringing on your own abuse because you do “everything” wrong. Your feelings, needs, and opinions don’t matter, and you likely have no say in many of the decisions that impact your daily life. You’re told that you’re not allowed to make dreams for the future, and, indeed, you may become hopeless and feel that things will never change. Is it any surprise that we heard from many survivors who participated in our research that their self-esteem became completely diminished over time? What's the antidote to the disparagement that survivors face through abuse? One powerful antidote is a strong network of friends, family members, professionals, and others who provide consistent reminders of the survivor’s value and worth. Wouldn’t it be amazing if, for each disparaging action or word that a survivor received from their abuser, they heard at least ten positive, affirming messages from others? What difference would it make if every time they heard, “You’re worthless,” they could draw upon the many times they’ve heard from others:
We may never be able to silence the cruelty of some callous abusers. However, we can drown their cruelty with the powerful forces of love and respect.
0 Comments
By Emily Esworthy, See the Triumph Guest Blogger I have been working with the WeWillSpeakOut.US coalition for over two years, and our underlying mission is to empower churches and other faith communities to “speak out” against sexual and domestic violence and amplify the voices that are already out there. The Problem of Silence Anecdotally, we know the Church in general has not been the most inspiring when it comes to the prevention of and response to sexual and domestic violence. (How many messages have you heard about it in church?) Hoping for concrete data, this June we partnered with Sojourners to commission a LifeWay Research survey of 1,000 US Protestant pastors to gauge their experiences and responses to sexual and domestic violence. The result was a report titled, “Broken Silence: A Call for Churches to Speak Out.” One of the key findings was that almost two-thirds of pastors (65%) speak once a year or less about this issue, with 10% never addressing it at all. This silence is troublesome and shows that most of our churches really are turning a blind eye to a painful problem that as many as one in three women (and many men) will experience. Enter Speak Out Sunday To encourage pastors and other faith leaders to speak out, WeWillSpeakOut.US created our annual “Speak Out Sunday,” which falls on Sunday, November 23, 2014 this year. (For those who don’t worship on Sundays, we encourage you to host a Speak Out Sabbath or Service on a nearby date that suits you.) Why this date? The United Nations has designated November 25 as the “International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women.” This day kicks off the international 16 Days of Activism Against Gender Violence, observed from November 25 through December 10. Each year we choose the Sunday that fits best within that time-frame to serve as the faith community’s platform for uniting with these global efforts. But here’s the rub: some pastors aren’t ready to speak out. I have talked with many, many survivors who have told me their pastor recommended they pray harder or submit more readily to their abusive spouse. Others have said their pastor accused them of desiring their rape or dressing in such a way as to “ask for it.” Furthermore, the Broken Silence report showed that 62% of pastors provided couples or marriage counseling in response to domestic and/or sexual violence. This is a potentially very harmful response, because it puts the victim in further danger. There is much to be done to adequately prepare pastors to address sexual and domestic violence. Through WeWillSpeakOut.US we are working to connect these pastors to the theological and practical resources that can be of help to them, and our vision is that churches participating in Speak Out Sunday will do so with ample prayer and preparation behind it so as not to risk revictimizing someone. Supporting your Speak Out Sunday Are you ready to speak out? Great! We’re here to help. Our suit of free tools and resources for pastors to use when gearing up for Speak Out Sunday is growing all the time. We have a sermon guide, a recorded webinar, a flyer of hotline numbers to post in your bathrooms, and more. For the full list, click here. As you map our your Speak Out Sunday, here are some critical things to keep in mind: · If you speak out, be prepared to have to take action. Statistically, there are people in your pews who have been victims and/or perpetrators of violence, and your sermon is likely elicit a response. We strongly recommend having a licensed counselor present at your service and a private room where they can talk quietly with anyone who may need support. · Have a referral process in place. If someone discloses to you that they have been abused, you’ll want to have the local crisis centers on speed dial. Find your local centers and shelters here or by using a simple Google search, and then contact them to introduce yourself. They may even be able to provide a counselor to attend your Speak Out Sunday service. We hope you’ll prayerfully consider hosting your own Speak Out Sunday this year, or at least taking the next steps to prepare yourself and your church to prevent and respond to violence. Your first next step is signing our Pledge Against Violence, which will put you on our email list and remind you of your commitment to speak out! Emily Esworthy is a Marketing and Communications Officer for IMA World Health and the Secretariat for WeWillSpeakOut U.S. – a faith-based coalition and movement of diverse faith groups from across the US that joins together with other leaders, organizations and congregations in action and advocacy to end the silence around sexual and gender based violence. By Christine Murray, See the Triumph Co-Founder
What can you do to help someone in an abusive relationship become more safe? As I’ve discussed in the first 3 blogs in this series, important considerations in answering this question for a person in your life are:
At the most basic level, safety planning means identifying potential safety risks and actively and intentionally planning ways to reduce the risks they present. Of course, there is no absolute way to guarantee safety when there’s an abusive partner in the picture. However, through some basic safety planning, a survivor can develop practical strategies to promote their own safety and minimize the risks they face. Although Safety Strategies was designed to be used by professionals, it contains several examples of the types of safety strategies that can be used to address some of the major risks that survivors face in abusive relationships. We learned about these risks and the strategies to address them in the focus groups we conducted. Based on the Safety Strategies Guidebook, the following actions are examples of the general strategies that could potentially be used to help promote safety in the context of the some of the risks involved in an abusive relationship. The word potentially is important to highlight, as each person’s situation is unique, so it’s important to consider whether each particular strategy would be relevant, safe, and appropriate for each person. Risk: Leaving an abusive relationship Sample safety strategies:
Sample safety strategies:
Risk: Keeping children safe in the context of parents’ abusive relationships Sample safety strategies:
Sample safety strategies:
Risk: Enforcing a domestic violence protection/restraining order Sample safety strategies:
Sample safety strategies:
When it comes to supporting someone in an abusive relationship, remember this: Think Safety First! There are many practical steps that you can support your friend in taking to increase their safety and address many of the risks they face. By helping your friend identify these steps, you can help them to feel empowered to know that, even within their abusive relationship, they have options and can take action to become safer. By Christine Murray, See the Triumph Co-Founder
When helping a loved one who’s in an abusive relationship, it’s important to know, honor, and protect your own limits--including your emotions, knowledge, and physical safety. In today’s post, I’ll explore each of these and suggest strategies for times when you reach your limits. Taking Care of Your Emotions Abusive relationships can be emotionally exhausting for everyone involved, including friends and family members who offer their help and support. First and foremost, knowing that someone you care about is being hurt can be very sad. You care for them, and so of course you want to see them happy and being treated with love. In addition to sadness, you may be scared for their safety. Maybe you’ve seen what their abusive partner has done to them in the past, and you’re afraid that it could be that bad--or worse--again. Confusion can be another powerful emotion when you’re trying to help someone involved in an abusive relationship. Your confusion may stem from difficulty understanding how the abusive partner can be so hurtful, why your friend is staying in the relationship, or what your role in the situation should be. The situation can change on a daily--if not hourly--basis, and so you may find yourself questioning what is happening, even if you’re very close to the situation. In light of all the emotions that can arise when helping a friend who is being abused, you should think not only about their emotional needs, but your needs as well. Don’t hesitate to reach out for help to manage your own emotions related to the situation. You can benefit from talking with a friend, family member, or even a professional counselor. Engage in other healthy coping strategies to help you manage the stress and emotions you may experiencing. For example, you may benefit from getting physical exercise, practicing yoga or meditation, journaling, or drawing upon your religious or spiritual beliefs to help you cope. Many people who want to help a friend who’s being abused face a risk of burnout, as the process of ending an abusive relationship and getting safe can be long and tumultuous. Therefore, in order to best support your friend in the long-term, it’s important to make sure you’re also taking good care of yourself in the process. Recognizing the Limits of Your Knowledge Unless you’re professionally trained to help people who are being abused or you’ve had some other form of training or experiences to help you understand the dynamics of abuse, it’s likely that there are important pieces of information that you don’t yet know that would help you best to support your friend. And, honestly, you’re not alone! Even many professionals who work with victims every day encounter situations in which there are no clear answers as to what actions are best to take to help the person be safe. The truth is, when it comes to abusive relationships, there are very few easy decisions to make! Rest assured--there is help available for you to know how to help your friend! You can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233; TTY: 1-800-787-3224) or your local domestic violence program to ask for assistance in knowing what steps you can take to help your friend. Most likely, you’ll be able to receive confidential help and ask for advice without disclosing your friend’s name. You may or may not even tell your friend that you called, depending on the nature of the situation. If you feel that your friend needs help beyond what you can offer, you can help them to locate services and resources in their local community. If you don’t already know which community resources are available, you can contact your state domestic violence coalition to ask for their assistance. If ever there is an immediate danger, call 9-1-1 or the local emergency hotline to connect with emergency responders. In addition to all of the challenges that your friend is facing in the abusive relationship, navigating community service agencies can be overwhelming and frustrating. Therefore, one of the critical ways you can help them is by supporting them as they navigate these systems and learning about other resources available to promote their safety. Maintaining Your Physical Safety Violence in an abusive relationship can spill over to other people, so it’s important to take steps to promote your own safety if you’re helping a friend who’s involved in an abusive relationship. Ask your friend if they know if their abuser has ever made threats to hurt other people. In addition, ask if they know if their abuser has access to weapons, especially firearms. Be sure to consider your own safety when you consider ways to help your friend. For example, your friend may need a place to stay after leaving the relationship. When deciding whether to do this, be sure to consider if this will be a safety risk for you and anyone else who lives in the house. Be especially cautious if the abuser has threatened to hurt you, if they’re stalking or following your friend, and/or if they have access to lethal weapons. If you think that housing your friend would pose too great a safety risk, then you can help them to locate other sources of safe shelter, such as a domestic violence shelter, a hotel room, or another friend or family member who lives somewhere unknown to the abuser. Use similar precautions for any other action that could potentially put you in harm’s way. When safety threats are imminent, I urge you to report them to law enforcement, and please use extreme caution before involving yourself in any situation that may pose a risk to your own physical safety. Again, you can reach out for support to your local law enforcement agency and/or a local or national domestic violence hotline in order to think through how best to protect your own safety while helping your friend. When helping a friend who is being abused, it’s important to know your limits and protect your own emotional and physical safety. When you reach your own limits, know where you can turn for additional help, information, and support. Remember the old adage: “You can’t help others until you help yourself.” You’ll be in the best position to help your friend if you come to the process from a calm, strong place. Self-care is a critical component of being able to help others. By Christine Murray, See the Triumph Co-Founder
It sounds simple, doesn’t it? If you’re trying to figure out how to help someone, just ask them what they need. However, when it comes to wanting to help someone you care about who’s involved in an abusive relationship, this question can be difficult to ask for many reasons. You may be afraid of offending them. You may feel like it’d be best to mind your own business. Or, you may have tried to help them in the past, only to have your help not be received in the way you intended. Despite these challenges, an important step you can take to help someone you know who’s being abused is to ask them what types of help and support they could use from you. Be prepared: their answer may surprise you, and it may not be the kind of help that you think they need. For example, you may think they need help leaving the relationship, whereas the help they ask for is for you to babysit their child while they go to a job interview. Of course, it’s up to you if you’ll be able to provide the kind of help that the person asks of you. But, I encourage you to trust their judgment to know what kind of help they need in any given moment. You may not understand how the job interview is connected to their safety, but perhaps they’re seeking that job so that they’ll be better able to survive financially if they ever decide to leave. Sometimes, you may ask how you can help, and the other person will say that they don’t need or want any help from you right now. This can be very frustrating to you, especially if your perspective is that they need a lot of help. If you find yourself wanting to force your help or advice on the person, resist this urge! A much more helpful approach is to let them know that you’ll be there for them if and when they ever do need your help. This leaves the door open for the person to seek your help at another time, and it also avoids disempowering the person by telling them what to do. There are some situations where you may need to take some action to address an abusive relationship situation, even if the person you’re helping doesn’t want you to intervene. These may include the following:
Ultimately, the power of asking what kind of help the person needs lies in trusting their judgment, as well as honoring their choices and expertise to make choices for their own life. This empowerment approach is fundamental to the way that many domestic violence service agencies operate, and it’s useful to adopt in helping a friend as well. Asking how you can help may seem like a simple task, but it requires courage, patience, and compassion. By offering to help in a way that is most meaningful to them, you send a powerful message that their needs and decisions are important, and that help is available if and when they need it. 10/11/2014 0 Comments Step 1: Remain Non-Judgmental (How to Help a Friend in an Abusive Relationship)By Christine Murray, See the Triumph Co-Founder
Imagine you’re on the outside of an abusive relationship, looking in. Suppose the person being abused is someone you know and care about. You’ve probably witnessed or heard about the way their partner treats them. Maybe they’ve even come to you for help, and you offered your advice and support, and then you were upset when they returned to the relationship. You’re confused and frustrated because you don’t understand their choices. It may be tempting to look at the person being abused and wonder things like, “What are they thinking?” or even, “What is wrong with them that they’d stay with their partner when they’re getting treated so terribly?” But now, imagine, for a moment, that you are the one who is being abused by your partner who supposedly loves you. You probably still love them, or at least you loved them at one point. If you’ve been together for a long time, you share many aspects of your life with that person--maybe you have children together, or you own a house together. You may share friends, hobbies, a social circle, and even dreams for the future. You have some good memories of happy times you’ve shared, and it’s hard to imagine life without your partner. And still, this person hurts you. Maybe not all the time, but they’ve hurt you--whether physically and/or emotionally--in ways that you know, at least on some level, are not right. You may fear for your safety if you stay with your partner, but they also may have threatened to hurt you even worse if you leave. Not only are you afraid of what your partner may do to you, but you’re also scared of the other consequences you could face if you ended the relationship--which might include living in poverty, losing time with your children, and losing friendships. Just how different is the view from the outside, compared to the inside, of an abusive relationship? From the outside looking into an abusive relationship, it can be tempting to judge a person who is staying with someone who is hurting them. However, from the outside, it’s nearly impossible to know the full story of how that person thinks and feels about their relationship, as well as their reasons for staying with their partner. For this reason, our first suggested step to helping someone who is involved in an abusive relationship is to try your hardest to avoid judging that person and their decisions. I know this is not easy. In fact, it can be extremely difficult. It may even seem impossible, especially if you're emotionally invested in the person who is being hurt. Not only can it make you feel confused because you don’t understand their reasons for staying, but also you may feel sad and scared, as you want that person to be safe and respected. I have never met, or even heard of, an abused person who actually wanted to be abused or did anything to “deserve” being treated that way. I can tell you this based on my experiences as a counselor, as well as through our research with hundreds of survivors, in addition to my experiences teaching, doing trainings, and numerous other work and volunteer experiences through which I’ve interacted with people who had personal and professional experiences related to intimate partner violence. Of course, I have known people who were being abused who didn’t want their relationships to end, but they always wanted the abuse to end. Always. Their reasons for wanting to remain in their relationships were diverse. When we begin to fully appreciate the complexity of people’s lives, we can see that very rarely are there clear-cut, easy answers as to whether a significant intimate relationship should end or continue. Even when the answer seems simple, the steps required to end that relationship can be very, very difficult. In some cases, those steps are life-threatening. Therefore, we suggest that the first step to helping a person who you know or suspect is being abused is to approach the situation and the person with a non-judgmental, supportive perspective and an open mind. Any judgment that the person perceives from you could lead them to turn away from you and view you as unhelpful, regardless of how positive and supportive your intentions may be. Three statements you can make to remind yourself to remain non-judgmental are: * “I don’t know the whole story.” * “I have no idea how I would respond if I was in this person’s exact same situation.” * “I can best help this person by supporting them, not judging them.” Although this is the first step we suggest, we know it may be one of the most difficult. However, it is also perhaps the most important step in being able to help and support someone who is being abused. By providing a supportive, nonjudgmental presence for that person, you can provide a powerful statement about how important it is to understand and honor their value as a person, as well as their unique perspective on their situation and relationship. |
Archives
March 2024
CategoriesAll About Intimate Partner Violence About Intimate Partner Violence Advocacy Ambassadors Children Churches College Campuses Cultural Issues Domestic Violence Awareness Month Financial Recovery How To Help A Friend Human Rights Human-rights Immigrants International Media Overcoming Past Abuse Overcoming-past-abuse Parenting Prevention Resources For Survivors Safe Relationships Following Abuse Schools Selfcare Self-care Sexual Assault Sexuality Social Justice Social-justice Stigma Supporting Survivors Survivor Quotes Survivor-quotes Survivor Stories Teen Dating Violence Trafficking Transformative-approaches |