The Triumph Over Abuse Blog
|
By Stephanie Quinn, See the Triumph Guest Blogger
Note from See the Triumph: As part of our series this month on Intimate Partner Violence, Stigma, and the Media, this week we’re featuring a series of reviews of books and films that address the topic of domestic violence. In this series, guest blogger Stephanie Quinn shares insights about how these resources depict the issue, as well as resources for learning more. ******************************************* Picture Perfect is a novel by Jodi Picoult about a woman who wakes up in a graveyard and can remember nothing about her life. She eventually discovers her name, Cassie, and finds her way home. In a seemingly encouraging turn of events, she learns that the husband she forgot is an award-winning actor in Los Angeles. She comes home to a mansion and realizes that she had been living a life of luxury. Unfortunately, Cassie’s story does not happily end there. She begins to feel inexplicably uncomfortable around her husband, especially when he becomes upset. As her past comes back to her, she begins recalling memories of her husband being physically abusive toward her. Like many women in violent relationships, Cassie is torn between staying and leaving. As the wife of a movie star, she is in many ways living a life that most people could only dream of- multiple homes, chefs and butlers, and movie premieres. While most women in violent relationships are not experiencing these benefits, multiple different aspects of a partnership can make leaving difficult. Many women stay because they are economically dependent on their spouse. Others may fear what the perpetrator would do if they left. No matter what the reason is, leaving an abusive relationship is always challenging. There can still be some positive aspects to a relationship, and women may have to grieve the loss of their marriage, despite the abuse they suffered. Another issue Cassie faces is the outside world’s perception of her marriage. Cassie was seen as privileged to have entered the world of Hollywood. Many viewed her life as a Cinderella story. While most women in violent situations are not married to Hollywood actors, many have experienced the pressure to stay in a relationship from family, friends, or religious communities. Some people outside of the relationship may not fully understand the dangers of staying in an abusive home. For the reasons listed above and countless others, leaving a violent relationship can be challenging. To learn more about safety strategies, check out the following link about safety planning with a counselor, social worker, or other domestic violence professional: http://www.dvsafetyplanning.org/safety-strategies-booklet.html To learn more about or purchase Picture Perfect: http://www.amazon.com/Picture-Perfect-Jodi-Picoult-ebook/dp/B000QUEHP8 Stephanie Quinn is a second year masters student in Counseling and Educational Development at the University of North Carolina at Greensboro. Originally from Iowa, she moved to North Carolina to attend Elon University where she received her bachelor's degree in Human Service Studies. Specializing in couples and families, she is currently interning at Wake Forest Baptist Medical Center this fall, where she works with families in the children's oncology and hematology unit. 11/18/2014 1 Comment Book Review: Dreamland, by Sarah DessenBy Stephanie Quinn, See the Triumph Guest Blogger
Note from See the Triumph: As part of our series this month on Intimate Partner Violence, Stigma, and the Media, this week we’re featuring a series of reviews of books and films that address the topic of domestic violence. In this series, guest blogger Stephanie Quinn shares insights about how these resources depict the issue, as well as resources for learning more. ********************************************** Dreamland is a young adult novel by Sarah Dessen that tells the story of Caitlin, a high school student who is trying to live up to her perfect older sister. At first, the story is predictable. In attempts to be different from her sister, she takes up activities at school that her sister was not involved in and starts dating a boy that her parents do not like. However, these small acts of rebellion continue to grow as Caitlin hides more pieces of her relationship from her parents- her boyfriend’s drug use, how he will not allow her to see her friends, and her declining grades from spending too much time with him. Caitlin is initially flattered by this attention and believes that the closer he holds onto her, the more he loves her. However, his controlling behaviors begin to frighten Caitlin as they become more emotionally abusive. Soon, Caitlin’s fears are further confirmed when he begins to physically abuse her. Sadly, teen-dating violence is a prevalent problem today. Women ages 16- 24 are three times as likely to be in violent relationships as women of other ages (Dating Violence). Young people are often happy to have someone who is so interested in them and have a difficult time differentiating what are appropriate behaviors in a new relationship. According to one survey, 36% of teens reported calling their partner 10 or more times in one hour to check up on them (Technology). This was a self-reported figure, which shows that many teens today may consider that this obsessive type of behavior demonstrates their love for their partner. While teen dating violence can be very similar to other types of IPV, it can have some unique features as well. For example, this book showed how technology could impact violence. When Caitlin’s boyfriend called, he expected her to answer. Technology is becoming more and more a part of a teenager’s world, and some teens may experience digital abuse. Examples of this include: expecting one’s partner to always have their phones with them and respond, excessive or unwanted calls or messages through phone or social media, and sending pornographic images, videos, or messages. Technology gives the abuser increased access to the victim. Furthermore, digital abuse can be easier to hide from parents and teachers. To learn more about how to use social networks safely, visit http://www.loveisrespect.org/is-this-abuse/digital-abuse/social-networking-safety. To hear stories from real teens about their experiences with teen dating violence, here is a link to videos from the Love is Not Abuse curriculum: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLZDLL1j9LpK8tRJEgcTN6OBCCKjQSK1Nu To buy Dreamland by Sarah Dessen: http://www.amazon.com/Dreamland-Sarah-Dessen/dp/0142401757 References
Stephanie Quinn is a second year masters student in Counseling and Educational Development at the University of North Carolina at Greensboro. Originally from Iowa, she moved to North Carolina to attend Elon University where she received her bachelor's degree in Human Service Studies. Specializing in couples and families, she is currently interning at Wake Forest Baptist Medical Center this fall, where she works with families in the children's oncology and hematology unit. 
By Christine Murray, See the Triumph Co-Founder
Imagine this: You just got home from a long day at work, your children are tired but wound up after a full day at school, and it’s been raining all day, so your hair is looking just as frazzled as you feel. Your main goals are to get dinner on the table for the family and then try to enjoy a restful evening at home so you’ll be ready to take on an equally busy day tomorrow. But then, seemingly out of the blue, you get a call from a local television station inviting you to do an interview that evening--within the hour, in fact--for a story they’re doing on domestic violence, which they’re planning to run later that night in the 11 o’clock news. This exact scenario played out for me a couple years ago, as the local TV station knew of my work related to domestic violence and was seeking someone to provide information about the dynamics of domestic violence to include in the story. There had been a horrific domestic violence homicide in my community, and as the story was hitting the news, the TV station wanted to include information to help its viewers understand the dynamics of domestic violence, as well as resources in the community to help. My initial response? I wanted to say, “No!” I explained that I had my two young children at home with me so wouldn’t be able to meet them for an interview, to which the reporter responded that he could come to meet me in my home. Then, I asked if they had contacted other professionals who work to address domestic violence in our community, including local law enforcement officers and the local domestic violence agency. His response? Something like, “We’ve tried to contact everyone, and you’re the only person we’ve been able to get in touch with.” My last-ditch effort was to ask if they could meet me in my office the next day, when I’d have more time to prepare for the interview. To this, he said that the story would be running that night, and it was absolutely essential that they do the interview that evening. Despite all the reasons this interview was not good timing, I knew I had no choice but to say yes --it was an all-too-important opportunity to educate the community about domestic violence. And, the information he was asking about was especially important at that moment because I knew it’s possible that, when people hear stories about other people experiencing domestic violence in the news (and especially about a homicide), it can prompt them to seek help or reach out to someone in their life who’s in an abusive relationship. And so, I said yes. And I did the interview...It wasn’t my best interview, and I wasn’t completely happy with how it turned out at the time, but it got the job done and shared the information that they wanted to include. What I learned from this experience was how important it is for those of us who work to raise awareness about domestic violence to be ready for whenever the opportunity arises to share messages that educate others about the dynamics of abusive relationships. This sort of information is essential for communities working to prevent further abuse, support survivors, and hold offenders accountable. Sometimes, media coverage about domestic violence is planned long in advance, such as if a magazine is planning an in-depth story about the issue. But, in my experience, most media coverage about domestic violence springs up without much notice, often in response to a major case--such as a homicide--hitting the local news or a high-profile case involving a celebrity or professional athlete. For a recent example of this, we need look no further than the flurry of media coverage of domestic violence after the Ray Rice videos surfaced. And so, we need to be ready to answer the call when the moment arises. Here are three pieces of information I suggest you prepare now so that you’d be ready at moment’s notice if an interview opportunity arises:
By educating our communities about domestic violence through the media, we can reach new audiences and create greater support in our communities for survivors. By Stephanie Quinn, See the Triumph Guest Blogger
Note from See the Triumph: As part of our series this month on Intimate Partner Violence, Stigma, and the Media, this week we’re featuring a series of reviews of books and films that address the topic of domestic violence. In this series, guest blogger Stephanie Quinn shares insights about how these resources depict the issue, as well as resources for learning more. ******************************************* Crazy Love is a memoir by Leslie Morgan Steiner. Steiner experienced domestic violence in her first marriage, and was finally able to escape after two years. Reading or hearing about the real life experiences of a survivor can give readers a small piece of what it would have been like to face this kind of abuse. Steiner tells her story with dignity and honesty. She also speaks from a unique point of view. While domestic violence can occur at any level of socioeconomic status, most people forget that women who are economically stable and well educated can also experience abuse. Steiner was a Harvard graduate before meeting her ex-husband and graduated from the prestigious Wharton School of Business while still in her abusive marriage. Not only was she well educated, but she also considered herself a progressive woman. When marrying her abuser, she asked the minister to take the word “obey” out of her wedding vows. Furthermore, when she became concerned about her situation, she researched academic journals and contacted university professors under the guise of writing an article about domestic violence. This is not the typical behavior that most people would consider when talking about abuse victims. Through Steiner’s story, we are reminded that abuse can happen to anyone. Despite her circumstances, Steiner continued to love her husband throughout their marriage. Like many batterers, he had a difficult childhood that included physical abuse and Steiner felt she needed to be there to love him in a way that his family could not. Steiner bravely stated that she wanted to “save” her batterer and help him become a better person. When Steiner spoke with a university professor who specialized in domestic violence, he told her, “Leaving is actually the best way for her to help the batterer, and our society, because she is letting him, and the world know that what he has done is wrong and totally unacceptable. By removing herself from the relationship, she makes it clear that she cannot help him, paving the way for him to realize that the violence is his responsibility, his fault, and that he is the only one accountable for his behavior”( Steiner, 242). While this was difficult for Steiner to hear, it sparked something inside of her. She did not leave her husband immediately after this conversation, but she did begin to consider more carefully what was actually best for her husband, and eventually she realized that staying was hurting them both. Steiner spoke during a TED conference in 2012. Her talk was titled “Why Domestic Violence Victims Don’t Leave.” If you would like to learn more about her, watch her TED talk or read her book, Crazy Love: https://www.ted.com/talks/leslie_morgan_steiner_why_domestic_violence_victims_don_t_leave Amazon link: http://www.amazon.com/Crazy-Love-Leslie-Morgan-Steiner/dp/0312377460/ref=sr_1_4?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1405629069&sr=1-4&keywords=crazy+love Stephanie Quinn is a second year masters student in Counseling and Educational Development at the University of North Carolina at Greensboro. Originally from Iowa, she moved to North Carolina to attend Elon University where she received her bachelor's degree in Human Service Studies. Specializing in couples and families, she is currently interning at Wake Forest Baptist Medical Center this fall, where she works with families in the children's oncology and hematology unit. 11/16/2014 0 Comments How Can Advocates for Victims of Domestic Violence Raise Awareness of the Problem in Their Communities?By Doug Clark, See the Triumph Guest Blogger Ray Rice and Greg Hardy have become the most valuable players of awareness about domestic violence. The star football players are sitting out this season, and maybe longer, because of highly publicized assault cases where women were the victims. Rice, in particular, focused national attention on the cause because, initially, his punishment for knocking out his fiancee in an Atlantic City hotel elevator was a mere two-game suspension. Public opinion forced National Football League Commissioner Roger Goodell to order an indefinite suspension of the Baltimore Ravens running back — whom the team subsequently released. The Carolina Panthers sidelined Hardy, despite his $13 million salary, until his second trial on assault charges, which has yet to take place. When high-profile athletes attack a woman, the media and the public pay attention. That’s good, and not only because the publicity protects their victims. It also may warn other abusers that public tolerance of this behavior is very limited. Unfortunately, not every instance of domestic violence will become a national story. Far from it. Most of the time, a simple assault won’t even be reported on an inside page of the local newspaper. So, how can advocates for victims of domestic violence raise awareness of the problem in their communities? They actually have some tools at their disposal. One is simply to develop relationships with people who work in the media. They can contact reporters or editors and offer to comment with a local perspective on a national story or let them know that domestic violence is first and foremost a local story that happens in every neighborhood. They can provide statistical evidence, which is available from local law-enforcement agencies. A large portion of police calls relates to domestic conflicts, even though news reporters might not recognize that or choose to make it a story. When the numbers are added up, however, domestic violence turns out to be a big story in every city. There are other ways to quantify the problem. Recently, UNC Charlotte economics professor Stephen Billings authored a study that found domestic violence costs North Carolina $308 million a year. How many people think about domestic violence from a cost perspective, other than victims? But there are medical costs, lost work time costs, police costs, court costs and other expenses that truly make domestic violence everyone’s problem. These facts should be explained to the media. Of course, providing access to victims is very valuable. It’s also difficult because most victims don’t want to be publicly identified. They also don’t want to compromise potential legal cases by talking with the media. Arrangements can be made to keep names out of the paper or to disguise a subject’s identity in a TV interview. Or former victims may feel secure enough in their new circumstances to go public. Personal stories can be very powerful. Sadly, if the worst happens, domestic violence murder victims are always named in the papers. If speaking out might help, rather than hurt, before that point is reached, a victim might be brave enough to do that. Finally, domestic violence is a concern all year long, not only during Domestic Violence Month. Advocates should interact with the media when they have something to say. Thanks to a couple of football players, the public is listening.  Doug Clark is an editorial writer, columnist and blog author for the News & Record of Greensboro, N.C. He and his wife and have two sons and a granddaughter.
11/15/2014 2 Comments The Problem With Violence In The MediaBy Shannon Montgomery, See the Triumph Guest Blogger Most of us can agree that violence, in particular intimate partner violence, is wrong. It’s not something we would want to take part in, and we certainly wouldn’t want our friends or family members to experience this violence. But for some reason there are numerous portrayals of intimate partner violence (IPV) that are seen in the media. And instead of reacting to the dangerous and unhealthy nature of violence in relationships, many people are instead enamored with the “romantic” and “sexy” side of that same relationship. I can’t help but wonder why we are so fascinated by “love stories” that involve undertones of violence, control, and abuse. Take, for example, the Twilight (Meyer 2005) series. This story portrays a teenaged girl, named Bella, who falls in love with a vampire, Edward. Throughout their romance together, Edward displays characteristics of abuse, such as jealousy, social isolation, and even watching over her while she sleeps. Take a moment to watch this video, as it provides a parallel between the story of Twilight (which was made into a movie) and the stories of actual survivors of IPV: Despite Bella’s discomfort with some of these instances, and constant fear of his immortal strength, Bella chooses the infatuation she has for Edward as more important than her safety. She also justifies Edward’s dangerous characteristics by associating them with his vampire nature, and since he has controlled his desire to kill her, she assumes he must love her beyond the threat of harm. As the story progresses, the violence increases, even the point of Bella being severely bruised after their wedding night. Bella once again brushes this off and attributes his violence to his supernatural strength, even admitting she enjoyed his closeness and wanted more. Danielle Borgia, author of Twilight: The Glamorization of Abuse, Codependency, and White Privilege (2014), describes the novel’s storyline as an “unhealthy definition of passion as pain and fidelity as sacrifice” (p. 163). This unhealthy definition is not only seen in this series but in other novels, movies, and songs alike. The idea that ‘love hurts,’ and that love should be dramatic is being played out all over the media. As long as there’s an indication of ‘true love,’ it’s as if the lines between healthy and unhealthy relationships become blurred. Do we love the idea of love so much that we are willing to look past the violence that comes with it? Another great example of violence is seen in a well-sought after book series, Fifty Shades of Grey (James 2012). This book involves a college student who meets a multi-million dollar man and is involved in an extremely passionate, confusing, hypersexual, and violent relationship. He, Christian, coerces Anastasia to engage in BDSM (bondage/dominance/submission/masochism) both in and out of the bedroom. Through threatening and violent altercations, Anastasia admits a certain fear and intimidation of Christian, but at the same time feels a strong desire and love for the man who abuses her, and sense that she can make it work. Again, I find myself uncomfortable with the fact that we are willing to look over instances of abuse in order to enjoy the pleasures of feeling sexy and/or loved. In a study done by Bonomi, Altenburger, and Walton (2013), researchers analyzed the Fifty Shades of Grey novel with a hypothesis that this storyline portrayed aspects of intimate partner violence. Here are a few quotes from Fifty Shades of Grey that were used in this research study that helped to link this fictional relationship with intimate partner violence:
With this information, you would think readers would be appalled at this behavior and would want the main character Anastasia to leave the relationship by the end of the book. But this is not what takes place. Readers of this book overwhelmingly support the relationship between Anastasia and Christian. How could this be? One reason might be the manipulation that often takes place by violent perpetrators. To further manipulate Anastasia (along with readers of the novel), Christian begins to open up more about his troubled past, indicating a history or being neglected and abused, both physically and sexually, as a child. Bonomi et al. (2013) explain, “Christian manipulates Anastasia by using information about past childhood trauma (underlying mental health issues) to appeal to her sympathy and to condition her to respond to his needs—a classic move used by chronically violent domestic violence offenders to entrap women in relationships” (p. 741). The idea of sympathizing with the abuser, feeling bad for him and feeling the need to “save” or “fix” him is commonly seen in both real and fictional cases of domestic violence. And seemingly what is also happening among readers of this novel. With this, Anastasia also has a desire for a “normal” relationship, and keeps up this hope as the novel continues. This is also very common for victims in abusive relationships. Authors Jacobson and Gottman (1998) of the book When Men Batter Women, explain it this way: “Another thing that keeps some women in violent relationships is that they are holding on to a dream that they have about what life could be like with these men. They love their [partners] and they have developed a sympathy for them and their plight in life. They hope they can help their men become normal husbands and fathers. These dreams can be powerful and are very hard to give up” (p. 51). Anastasia believes there is a possibility of having this normal relationship, and it’s this hope that also keeps her in the relationship. Is it possible that readers are having similar hopes for a “happily ever after” ending for Anastasia and Christian? But you may think that even though we may make exceptions and justifications for these stories, they are all fiction so it doesn’t matter. Well, maybe, but over time we become desensitized to the things we read and watch, and they may even become more appealing to us. Researchers Vidal, Clemente, and Espinosa (2003) looked at the effects of young people as they watched violence on television. Initially, participants remained neutral on their feelings of violence, but over time their reactions and responses to violence became more positive. They found that the more young people watched violence in television, the more positively they regarded violence. Expressing their concern, the authors stated “the continual appearance of violence in the media hampers our emotional response toward aggressive behaviors to the point that it could make us unable to answer properly” (p. 382). Our overlooking of violence in the media now may soon lead to a decreased concern for real-life violence in the future. I’m not trying to insinuate that the media is “out to get us,” or that media sources are attempting to exploit the general population into becoming more violent. I don’t doubt that these stories were created as a love story, and that the characters were meant to be portrayed as lovers, deeply caring for one another. But I do believe we are becoming more unaffected by the presence of violence as a result of the media. The difference between real life and fictional stories is that we know and understand that these stories are fake. But if we know these stories are fake, wouldn’t it be easier to identify abusive behaviors? Wouldn’t we be more clear-minded and willing to say, “I don’t support this”? But instead, we’re sympathizing and justifying. This is all too similar to the entrapment that victims fall under when being abused in relationships. Hoping and believing in another person are good habits, but not in place of personal safety and security. Love is beautiful and worthwhile, but should never be coupled with physical, sexual, or emotional harm. Therefore, we need to be more mindful about what we are deeming acceptable and unacceptable in our minds as we participate in media sources. We need to be more careful to examine what we are watching, reading, and hearing and the way it shapes the way we see the world. References
 Shannon Montgomery is pursuing a master’s degree in Couple and Family Counseling at the University of North Carolina at Greensboro. Shannon completed her undergraduate degree in Human Development and Family Studies at Kent State University in Ohio. She has worked to provide educational workshops and presentations covering topics such as sexual assault, healthy relationships, and feminism. Shannon hopes to continue these efforts in her career as a Professional Counselor.
|
Archives
November 2024
CategoriesAll About Intimate Partner Violence About Intimate Partner Violence Advocacy Ambassadors Children Churches College Campuses Cultural Issues Domestic Violence Awareness Month Financial Recovery How To Help A Friend Human Rights Human-rights Immigrants International Media Overcoming Past Abuse Overcoming-past-abuse Parenting Prevention Resources For Survivors Safe Relationships Following Abuse Schools Selfcare Self-care Sexual Assault Sexuality Social Justice Social-justice Stigma Supporting Survivors Survivor Quotes Survivor-quotes Survivor Stories Teen Dating Violence Trafficking Transformative-approaches |
RSS Feed