By Christine Murray, See the Triumph Co-Founder
For many parents, the thought of talking with teenagers about difficult topics, such as dating violence, is uncomfortable, if not downright scary. All this month, we’re focusing on starting conversations about teen dating violence, and we know these conversations are not the easiest conversations to have.
There are lots of reasons why these conversations can be scary. For example, parents may fear they won’t know what to say, especially if their teenagers ask questions that they don’t know how to answer. Also, I think one of the big challenges that parents face when having conversations about these difficult topics is trying to balance their natural concern for their teenagers’ safety with their desire to foster their independence.
It can be tempting to try to tell your teenagers exactly what to do and what not to do. But we all know that teenagers can be rebellious, so too much of a lecture-type conversation can backfire. There are so many factors that can make these conversations uncomfortable that it may be tempting to avoid them altogether.
However, we want to encourage you to step into that discomfort, and start those conversations anyway! In a few days, we’ll share some suggestions for how to start conversations in non-threatening ways. But to help you start to get in the right mindset, I thought we’d set the stage with the following five reasons NOT to be scared to talk about dating violence with your teens:
1. Your teens probably already know more than you think.
As I discussed in a previous blog, “Loveisrespect.org reports that over 80% of parents either do not think that teen dating violence is an issue for teens, or they do not know if it is.” This is despite the high rates of dating violence that are consistently found in surveys of teenagers. It seems that many parents are a bit out of touch with the challenges that teenagers face as they begin entering dating relationships.
2. Your teens are probably confused and looking for guidance about relationships.
Do you remember how you felt about dating and relationships when you were in your teen years? You may have acted like you had it all figured out, but chances are you were scared and anxious about some, if not all, aspects of dating and being in a relationship. Of course, many teenagers may not initially be thrilled by the thought of talking about dating with their parents. But, if you approach the conversation in a comfortable, open way, it’s likely they’ll appreciate hearing your thoughts on relationships, especially if you are honest about some of the challenges you’ve faced in your own life.
3. There are resources available to help you have these conversations.
Later this month, we’ll share a list of our favorite web-sites for credible information on teen dating violence. In addition to these sites, there are likely professionals and organizations in your area who could help you have these conversations if you find yourself out of your comfort zone or beyond the scope of your knowledge. You don’t have to go it alone.
4. Your teens don't expect you to know everything--as long as you're willing to admit what you don't know.
As kids enter their teen years, they become increasingly aware of their parents’ limitations, so your teenagers probably already don’t think you have all the answers. I believe that admitting that you don’t know everything, but that you’re willing to learn alongside your teen, is a great way to start a dialogue. When you come across topics you don’t understand, you can research them together and discuss what you’ve learned.
5. Even if they don't appreciate the conversation today, someday they will hopefully see the value in it, and someday they may need the information for themselves or someone else.
Rates of intimate partner violence are highest for girls between the ages of 16 and 24 (Loveisrespect.org). During their teen and young adult years, then, people face perhaps their highest risk of being abused by an intimate partner than they will face at any point in their lives. Of course, as parents, we don’t want to think that bad things will happen to our own children. Hopefully they won’t. But we can equip them with information and resources that they may one day be able to put into practice in their own lives, or that would help them to be a better helper to a friend in need.
I know that talking about sensitive topics with kids is difficult and scary at times. Based on our research that underlies See the Triumph, I believe that the stigma surrounding abuse makes these conversations even more difficult. However, parents can reduce their fears by considering how much these conversations can mean to their teenagers.
By Christine Murray, See the Triumph Co-Founder
Every February, it’s Teen Dating Violence Month. One of our main goals for See the Triumph is to challenge the stigma surrounding intimate partner violence. As such, this month offers an important opportunity to promote conversations to raise awareness about this major form of intimate partner violence.
Many of the survivors in our research experienced abusive relationships within the context of dating relationships, and abusive relationship dynamics can begin virtually at the same time as teens begin dating. Therefore, it’s critically important that we start to promote healthy relationships before young people even start thinking about dating!
We’ve seen how the stigma that surrounds intimate partner violence in general also applies to teen dating violence. Some of the ways that this can happen include stereotypes about dating violence (e.g., that it can only happen to certain types of kids), shame and blame (e.g., making someone feel responsible for the abuse they experienced), and the isolation that teens who have been abused may feel within their peer groups, families, and communities.
Talking about teen dating violence isn’t easy! Intimate partner violence can feel like such an “adult” topic to discuss with young people. We don’t want to scare them, and it’s difficult to grasp how abuse can occur at such young ages. The stigma surrounding teen dating violence--and other forms of intimate partner violence--can make these conversations even more difficult for parents, other concerned adults, and even teens themselves.
So, throughout this month, we’ll be sharing a series of resources under the theme of “It’s Teen Dating Violence Month: Let’s Talk!!!” We hope you’ll stay connected to us on Facebook so you’ll have access to all the various resources we share throughout the month. Even better, please share these resources with others, including the teenagers and parents of teenagers you know, to help us ignite conversations and get people talking about helping teens develop healthy, safe relationships!