By Sara Forcella, See the Triumph Contributor

She’s in disbelief.
She looks into the mirror, face sunken and smeared with mascara and blames herself.
Why did she wear that outfit?
Why did she hand you her drink?
Why did she trust you?

She’s broken.
She lies up at night and blames herself.
Why did she hand you her glass of pink rose?
Why why did she chose those jeans, the pair with the rip above the knee?
Why did she take the seat next to you on the first day of class?

She's humiliated.
She sits through class and blames herself.
Why did she willingly hand you her glass of pink rose for 45 seconds?
Why did she chose that shirt, the one that brings out her eyes?
Why did she hang out with you the entire first semester and call you her best friend?

She’s pissed.
She slinks down at the dining hall table and blames herself.
Why did she trust you enough to think it was okay to give you her glass of pink rose for 45 seconds while she when to the restroom?
Why did she try to show off her curves on a night where she was finally feeling confident in her own skin?
Why did she ever let her guard down and trust a man knowing well-and-good he was sure to let her down just like her father had so many times before.

She’s healing.
She sits on her bed and finally starts to forgive herself.
Why did he purposefully tell me to drink up?
Why did he maliciously slip a pill into my glass of pink rose, when holding it for only 45 seconds?
Why did he chose to target me that night?
Why did he decide to shatter my trust and rape me?

She’s growing.
She looks in the mirror for the first time in a long time and doesn’t have the urge to punch her own reflection.
For the first time she knows she is not to blame.

She’s a survivor.
He is a rapist.
That is the way it will always remain. ​

By Eileen Martin, See the Triumph Contributor
 
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. ~ Anais Nin
 
Protecting Our Existence
 
Recently, I became keenly aware of the toll trauma and violence can take on our physical bodies. As a survivor, I have been processing, healing, and focusing on my mental health and moving forward happily. All the while, I have suffered with chronic pain and just moved through it, often times with clenched teeth and with a survivor mentality. While taking steps to address my pain, it became very clear to me that my body had been tense for so long that my mind forgot to alert my body that I was safe now. I am no longer living in fear, and shame and guilt are not driving my decisions.
 
As victims, we spent day after day clenching, tensing, grinning and bearing it in order to protect our existence. Trauma eroded our sense of safety. We moved through our days the best we could. We were in survival mode. And here we stand, a success story.
 
Recognizing and Renegotiating
 
But now that we are safely removed from the trauma, are our bodies still responding in fight, flight, freeze mode? Specifically, freeze mode? Have we really recognized the fear, shame, and guilt that are stored in our body? Can we allow ourselves to recognize the memories our physical body has stored by what we have experienced?  In doing so, can we renegotiate the terms by being mindful to how our bodies respond in our daily interactions with others? Are we still responding with fear because we have been reacting with our gut lens? You know, that guttural response of impending doom if you don’t quite get it right, or have the answers, or say the wrong thing. Are we stuck in “freeze mode” and are our bodies are trying to tell us something by aching and hurting?
 
Releasing and Blossoming
 
We can make a conscious choice to release what no longer serves us by mindfully considering how our bodies feel and react, and by taking time to tenderly care for our physical health as much as our mental health. Our mental and physical health are so intricately linked and can affect each other in such an immense way. If we can recognize when we are reacting with our gut lens, pause and consider what is triggering our reactions, process this through another lens that recognizes that we are safe, we may very well begin to heal our bodies by letting go of the constricted living in freeze mode. We have a chance to reclaim our bodies in a way that allows us to blossom without restriction.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

By Eileen Martin, See the Triumph Contributor
 
Just Who Do You Think You Are?
 
It’s the little voice in your head, or sometimes the voice from others, that can stop you in your tracks while healing from domestic violence. The voice asks “Just who do you think you are?”
 
Just who do you think you are to have feelings, wants, and needs?
 
Just who do you think you are to walk away from a relationship, a marriage?
 
Just who do you think you are to break up a family?
 
Just who do you think you are to believe you can make it on your own?
 
Just who do you really think you are?
 
Honestly, there is some sense of control in holding onto these thoughts because they are familiar. You have been accustomed to having doubt and shame fuel your thoughts and, let’s face it, you have been told you are unworthy of love, that you are crazy, or that you are worthless. So now you are supposed to suddenly believe in yourself and consider the alternative? Sometimes the fear of the unknown prevents us all from considering that we may have been told a lie and our thoughts are just. not. accurate.
 
So, who DO you think you are?
 
What are you telling yourself?
 
What are others around you saying?
 
What seeds of doubt have been planted in your mind from your abuser? Your family? Society?
 
Have you ever given yourself permission to question your thoughts? We all have some negative thought patterns that feel really heavy and burdensome. But life feels so much lighter and things often look brighter when we can really recognize and challenge the negative thoughts and replace them with a kinder gentler version.
 
Have you ever questioned what you have been told to believe? About yourself or how life ought to be?
 
Well, now you get to choose your own version, your own reality, your own thoughts and that can be pretty powerful indeed!
 
Planting power seeds: Recognize and challenge negative thinking patterns
 
When I recognize my own negative thoughts, I ask myself a powerful question:
Would you say to a friend, sister, or daughter or anyone you care about what you say to yourself? More than likely the answer is no. We all deserve the same amount of care and concern we afford to others we love. So lets start there.
 
Be mindful when you find you are saying anything to yourself that you wouldn’t say to someone you love and care about. You are deserving of loving and caring thoughts and words, and most importantly, self-forgiveness when you mess up. We all inevitably mess up. We all are human. Remember, YOU are someone’s friend, sister, or daughter.
 
Firmly Planting: Recognize and challenge what others say to you
 
So, get curious. Pay attention to your reactions when talking with others. Recognize what feels right and what makes your stomach lurch a little bit. Why is your body responding? Become aware of your body and how it responds to others. Your gut instinct is a powerful tool in discerning between what is meant to harm and what is meant to heal.
 
Now it is time to firmly plant yourself in solid ground by self-nurturing, by being gentle with yourself if you make a mistake, by recognizing your amazing ability to put one foot in front of the other when life comes at you hard. At the end of the day, you are strength and you deserve to bloom.
 

By Heather Teater, See the Triumph Contributor

When someone shares that they are experiencing domestic violence, it can be easy to assume that they are ready to leave their violent relationship and fervently start thinking of ways help them get out.  If, however, we hear that they are not yet ready to leave the relationship, sometimes our enthusiasm to help falters.  We can get so caught up in trying to convince them to leave or judging them for making “poor choices” that we forget that this is a crucial time for us to be supportive.  In fact, it is important for us to be willing to support survivors of domestic violence no matter where they are – in the relationship, leaving the relationship, or out of the relationship.  There are other great posts regarding supporting survivors that you can read, so I won’t go into great detail, but here are just a few ways that survivors in all stages of DV may need your support:

There are many reasons that one might be unable or unwilling to leave a violent relationship for the time-being.  While it may be tempting to spend all of our energy giving them a million reasons why they need to get out of their abusive situation, those who are in a violent relationship need to be the ones who decide to leave, and our efforts can be better-spent in other ways.  For example, you might be a part of your friend’s safety plan and provide a safe haven when things get difficult.  Perhaps they need someone who is willing to watch their children for an evening to keep them out of harm’s way.  Or maybe they just need someone who knows about their situation and can check in with them on a regular basis.

Those who are in the process of leaving an abusive relationship need support in both obvious and not-so-obvious ways.  They may need practical support, such as a vehicle to help them move some of their belongings or a place to stay while they determine their next steps.  They may also need help navigating the process of taking legal action to gain custody of their children or to keep their ex-partner from harassing them further.  They, too, may simply need emotional support as they deal with the transition of starting a new life.

Once survivors have left a violent relationship and appear to be out of harm’s way, sometimes we forget that they still need support.  But the effects of domestic violence remain well past the last violent incident.  Survivors of DV may still need practical and emotional support long after we may think they should be “over it.” They could need help rebuilding their support system.  They might need help determining red flags for future romantic relationships.  And, yes, they may need help healing emotionally as well.

When offering support to someone who is experiencing or has experienced domestic violence, it is important to offer the support with no strings attached (e.g. “I’ll only help you if…” or “Once you leave, then…”).  Whether they have decided to stay in the relationship, are trying to get out, or have already left, survivors of domestic violence need us to be willing to support them in whatever ways we can.  Remember that everyone’s experience of domestic violence is different, and the best thing you can do is simply ask how you can help and follow through, no matter their situation.   

By Heather Teater, See the Triumph Contributor

Anyone who has faced grief and loss can probably relate to my experience of losing my grandmother, one of the most important people in my life.  Not a day goes by that I don’t think about her for some reason or another, and she passed away almost three years ago.  And I still cry – not as frequently or as long, but it happens.  Yet, about a week after my grandmother’s death, the cards, hugs, and questions from my support system quickly dwindled off.  Nobody asks how I am doing or how I am getting along without my grandmother to call when something exciting happens or when I simply have a question of which spice to use in one of her recipes.  The fact is, other people’s lives move on and they forget about your pain when the initial shock is over.  It’s not that people stop caring, they’ve just stopped thinking about it.

I imagine that survivors of domestic violence have a similar experience after sharing their stories with others.  At first, those with whom they have shared ask them questions, provide solutions, check in on them from time-to-time, and let them know that they are there whenever necessary – and that’s awesome.  But, eventually, the fervor dies down and those who were so involved start to wait longer before checking in or forget to ask about the relationship because nothing has changed for so long and there are other things to talk about.  Or if the violent relationship has ended and the survivor seems to be moving on, sometimes it feels like an unnecessary conversation.  But the truth is, the memory of the domestic violence, as well as some of the more tangible consequences, such as having to start a new life from scratch without many financial resources, can continue to haunt survivors for longer than many of us might expect.

Though this feels simple compared to some of the amazing blog posts and resources regarding supporting survivors that have been written and shared this summer, it is an important reminder: Survivors of domestic violence need support long after the initial shock has worn off and you’ve stopped thinking about their suffering.  Don’t forget to continue to check in and ask how you can support those you know who are experiencing, or have experienced, DV.   Long after the violent relationship has ended survivors continue to need support in various ways, whether it be a shoulder to cry on when a memory is triggered or someone to provide a practical need.  You might be surprised by what you can still do for someone who was victimized years ago if you just remember to ask.