By Sara Forcella, See the Triumph Contributor
She’s in disbelief.
She looks into the mirror, face sunken and smeared with mascara and blames herself.
Why did she wear that outfit?
Why did she hand you her drink?
Why did she trust you?
She lies up at night and blames herself.
Why did she hand you her glass of pink rose?
Why why did she chose those jeans, the pair with the rip above the knee?
Why did she take the seat next to you on the first day of class?
She sits through class and blames herself.
Why did she willingly hand you her glass of pink rose for 45 seconds?
Why did she chose that shirt, the one that brings out her eyes?
Why did she hang out with you the entire first semester and call you her best friend?
She slinks down at the dining hall table and blames herself.
Why did she trust you enough to think it was okay to give you her glass of pink rose for 45 seconds while she when to the restroom?
Why did she try to show off her curves on a night where she was finally feeling confident in her own skin?
Why did she ever let her guard down and trust a man knowing well-and-good he was sure to let her down just like her father had so many times before.
She sits on her bed and finally starts to forgive herself.
Why did he purposefully tell me to drink up?
Why did he maliciously slip a pill into my glass of pink rose, when holding it for only 45 seconds?
Why did he chose to target me that night?
Why did he decide to shatter my trust and rape me?
She looks in the mirror for the first time in a long time and doesn’t have the urge to punch her own reflection.
For the first time she knows she is not to blame.
She’s a survivor.
He is a rapist.
That is the way it will always remain.
No One is Entitled to Your Body But You
By Kelsey Doucette, See the Triumph Guest Blogger
When you think of the phrase ‘marital rape’ what sorts of words come to your mind? Violating? Terrifying? Betrayal? Trapped? These were the words that came to my own mind when I imagined if the person I decided to marry, trust with my heart, and spend my life with would force me to have unwanted sex. How could your own spouse be the person that shatters you into a million pieces and uproot any sense of trust you have in them? How could someone believe they have the right to my own body? People who are raped by their spouses often have a rapid fire of questions in their mind and an intense feeling of shock.
Up until 1993, rape within a marriage was the exception in any rape case. If the rape occurred between a husband and wife, the case was essentially thrown out. That means that marital rape has only been considered illegal outside of a marriage for about 23 years. However, 13 states still make exceptions for marital rape cases (“These 13 states...”, 2015). These states have vague requirements for what constitutes marital rape, have less severe consequences, and/or make it difficult for the spouse to prove rape occurred.
The belief that a man has the right to his wife’s body upon marriage comes from an underlying, archaic thread woven through our society headed by patriarchal ideals. As far back as 1736, an English jurist, Sir Matthew Hale, made this statement: "But the husband cannot be guilty of a rape committed by himself upon his lawful wife, for by their mutual matrimonial consent and contract the wife hath given herself up in this kind unto her husband which she cannot retract” (Withonef, 2015). This shows just how far back the misunderstood issue of marital rape reaches.
So, you would think after about 280 years everyone would be on the same page with marital rape and how completely illegal it is based on LAW. Think again. In 2015, allegations arose from Donald Trump’s ex-wife Ivana that he had raped her during their marriage. Mr. Trump’s attorney proceeded to release a statement reading, “You cannot rape your spouse…and there’s very clear case law” (“Meet the marital rape...”, 2015). Earlier, in 2008, an activist named Phyllis Schlafly, who was highly involved in Republican political affairs such as delegating for 8 national conventions, said “I think that when you get married you have consented to sex…That’s what marriage is all about, I don’t know if maybe these girls missed sex ed” (“Meet the marital rape”, 2015). Clearly there are people still today who do not understand that marital rape is, indeed, rape.
No one should be able to tell you what to do with your body, when you want to have sex and who you should have sex with except for YOU. If you take anything away from this, remember that you are in control of your own body, and no man or woman--even if you married them--should take that away from you.
Kelsey Doucette is a graduate student pursuing a Master’s degree in Couple and Family Counseling at the University of North Carolina at Greensboro.
A Letter to Survivors
By: Sara Forcella, See the Triumph Contributor
For all those times I have not quite been able to find the words to say, and all of the times that I didn’t speak up when I should have. For all of the words that were never uttered from my lips--I choose to say them now.
I believe you. I believe your experience to be true. I believe all of the hurt, fear, shame and pain you have experienced. I believe you even if you have no physical bruises, photos, or evidence. Even if the police disregard your story, or probe you with more and more questions; I believe you. Even if your assailant was not held accountable by your school or never sees a day in jail, I know you are telling the truth. Even if your friends, peers or teachers don’t believe. Even if you are questioning each and every detail, every possible ‘missed-step’, every word, answer, fuzzy, discombobulated memory--I believe you.
It was not your fault. Abuse is NEVER okay. Regardless of whether it’s physical, emotional or sexual, abuse is abuse. Nothing ever justifies that person’s actions; not what you were wearing, who you were texting, what you said, who you were with, what you drank, what you chose to do or not do. The only person who is ever responsible for abuse is an abuser. I know right now it may feel like it’s your fault; that person may have told you that their abuse was your fault. Heck, society has likely told you this too. It’s not. Let me repeat that--that person's actions were not your fault, and they will never be.
You will be okay again. Maybe not right now, not tomorrow, or next week. In this moment, you may feel like a mirror, shattered on the floor in a million pieces--a mess that seems too much to ever put back together. You are likely overwhelmed, scared, confused, hurt, mad, and upset. Allow yourself to be, you have the right to experience all of these emotions. The multitude of emotions will likely ebb and flow for awhile. In time these emotions may seem less intense. One day, you may find power where you once felt weakness. You may find a voice where it seemed to have been stolen from you. This experience will likely shape your life. It’s not something you just forget but, it does not mean that you are broken forever, just that you are a survivor.
You are beautiful. You are breathtakingly beautiful. I am not just talking about your physical appearance, but your being. Your being is what makes you beautiful. The way that you approach life is beautiful and triumphant. Simply the fact that you wake up every day and exist is beautiful. With or without scars, blood shot eyes and a runny nose, you exude beauty. Currently, you can’t see this beauty, only the hurt sunken face looking back at you. Nevertheless, I see it. I see your beauty shining through the pupils of your eyes like a ray of sunshine, a small glint of hope. One day, I hope you see this beauty too.
You deserve love. You deserve to be loved by family, friends, romantic partners when you are ready, and most critically yourself. You are not damaged goods because someone chose to infringe upon your power and control. You are not unlovable. In fact, I believe that you deserve the most pure and authentic kind of love--self-love. You deserve to bathe yourself in loving words, compliments and good feelings because you are so worth it. You deserve loving, healthy relationships with every person who is in your life. Please don’t accept anything less.
You are strong; stronger than damn near everyone that I know. Stronger than I am, I’m merely here to support you. You are the one doing all the work--the one being vulnerable, bearing all of your hurt. I admire your strength. I admire your ability to get up every day, sometimes in spite of yourself. I see this incredible strength, it’s there behind your sunken eyes. Someday when you look back on this I hope that you see just how strong you are. I’m sorry that you have to use up so much of your strength right now. It’s not fair; there you are, nonetheless, a mountain holding strong in the face of an unforgiving wind.
You inspire me: inspire me to get up, to get dressed, to go to work, to fight, to exist, to love.
By: Sara Forcella, See The Triumph Contributor
The time directly following a sexual assault can be an extremely overwhelming time for survivors. During this time survivors are faced with not only the physical and psychological trauma, but lots of difficult and time-sensitive decisions that need to be made. Right after an assault, survivors may need to process through the following options: to go to the hospital for a medical exam or not, to have STD testing done or not, to get evidence collected (a rape kit) or not, to report to the police or not, to tell someone or to tell no one. Some options, such as evidence collection, have an expiration date--survivors are only able to collect evidence for up to 72 hours immediately following an assault.
As an advocate for survivors of sexual assault, my role is to help students understand their reporting and support options. I am able to help students conceptualize what each of these options may look like should they chose to use them. As part of Sexual Assault Awareness Month, I thought it may be helpful to discuss some more general options, which most four-year universities offer students. Remember, not all universities’ sexual assault protocol and resources are the same; however, most will offer the following reporting options for survivors.
University or Local Police Departments: Police departments are non-confidential resources. Utilizing these legal services may seem like the simplest option for survivors of sexual violence; however, they can also be the most emotionally taxing. Reporting to Police Departments opens a legal investigation of the alleged crime. Once a survivor reports, they have the power to decide if they want to participate in the investigation fully or not at all. They can decide to go to court hearings and be questioned by detectives who collect information. Utilizing the Police Department is the only true way to impact perpetrators legally--by reporting to the police you open up an entire legal avenue.
Possible pro’s of using the legal system can vary. One benefit of use the police is that it gives survivors a chance to hold perpetrators accountable for crimes and it may ensure that assailants are not able to become repeat offenders. By reporting an assault, it may also be easier to obtain a court-ordered protective order.
A Possible con of using the legal system is that not all police officers are taught to use “trauma-informed care”. This means simply that some officers do not understand the way that major trauma impacts survivors. Survivors are typically asked to recount the assault more than once, leading to possible re-traumatization and emotional drainage. The legal route takes a long time--some survivors will have wait for well over a year before a verdict is reached. Some cases may never even reach the court system due to a lack of evidence. Overall, this can be infuriating for survivors, and may even leave them feeling unheard or not believed.
Student Conduct: Student conduct is another non-confidential resource on college campuses. Student conduct investigations and hearings are separate from legal ones. The findings of student conduct cases have nothing to do with the findings of police investigations, though witnesses, evidence and facts may overlap. Student conduct allows survivors to hold other students accountable for their actions on campus. Because of Title IX, universities must follow certain rules and regulations for incidences of interpersonal violence on campus. All survivors are allowed access to a ‘quick’ and equitable hearing. They are mandated to learn the outcome of their case, as well as have the ability to appeal a hearing decision.
A possible pro of utilizing student conduct is that similarly to police investigations, it allows survivors to hold perpetrators accountable. A distinct difference between student conduct and legal investigations is that universities require a substantially lower burden of proof. In accordance with Title IX regulations, schools must decide if an assault occurred ‘more likely than not,’ NOT beyond reasonable doubt, like in legal courts.
Possible cons of using student conduct may vary depending on the university. Again, not all student conduct offices approach investigations using trauma informed care. Sometimes dealing with an on campus investigation can be overwhelming to survivors. It’s important to note that student conduct is only limited to supporting survivors whose assailant is another student at that university.
University Counseling Services: University counseling services are mandated confidential resources. In fact, the only time a counselor is allowed to report anything discussed with a student is when the student asserts that he or she may harm themselves, or someone else. Most university counseling service fees are included with student fees meaning that they are free of charge during the time of visits.
A possible pro of using university counseling services is that students are able to share their experiences and talk about the incident without having to be concerned about it ever being reported. Of course, there are also tons of benefits to having access to mental health care. This can especially help survivors who may also be dealing with anxiety, depression or substance abuse.
A possible con of using university counseling services is that some students may feel uncomfortable using on-campus resources. Also, mental health is still highly stigmatized by our society making it harder for many students to take the first step and make an appointment to meet with a counselor.
As you can see, reporting options can be overwhelming and at times confusing. It’s also important to note that I have only covered a few common campus resources; however, most schools will have many more. Students may look into utilizing Title IX offices, Women’s Center’s and Interpersonal Violence Centers. Also, community resources are always another option that students have to utilize. The key for any survivor, is to feel connected and supported, regardless of what office they utilize following a sexual assault.