By Rachel Miller, See the Triumph Contributor

Dear Teenage Me,

Some of what I am about to say you aren’t going to want to hear, of this I am aware. I ask you to listen with an open heart anyway, because at your deepest core, you will know I speak the truth.
First, let me promise you, these are not the best years of your life, regardless of what people may say, but are rather a blip in your big picture. You have amazing adventures to take, sights to see and goals to accomplish. These will make up the best years of your life, not high school. That said, you do need to understand that some of the decisions you make now, and in the coming years, will determine much larger parts of your life and have impacts that reach further than you can imagine right now. This is especially true of decisions around your relationships and partners.

You are bright and wiser than your years, but there are things you don’t know. Not because you’re young or inexperienced or not smart, but because the people in your life who should teach you these things don’t know them either. While you instinctually understand you haven’t had the best of examples, what you don’t yet grasp is that different doesn’t necessarily mean better. Different can actually be worse, much worse. Red flags aren’t things you know to watch for, and how truly dangerous a relationship can be is no more than an abstract concept to your soft, romantic heart that just wants to be loved and cherished.

What you know of domestic violence is only what you see on the random billboard or PSA. You think it happens to “other people.” Domestic violence is so much more than you’ve been shown. Abuse is more than black eyes, bruises and broken bones. It does and is happening to people you know. It can happen to you. An abusive partner will destroy your self-worth, your ambition and your dreams turning you into someone you won’t recognize.

For your own safety and well-being, please understand that jealousy and possessiveness are not romantic. It does not mean he loves you. It means he views you as property. Understand that restricting where you go and who you spend time with are not his way of showing you that he can’t live without you. It’s his way of shutting others out of your life so you’re isolated and won’t reach out when his abuse escalates. His temper and rage will not mellow with age. His inability to support your dreams now will progress to the point where your successes will be used against you. You will begin to question whether or not you deserve them anyway. When a person reveals himself to be any of these, I urge you to believe him. Falling in love with who you think someone will become or the potential you believe you see is dangerous. Dangerous in ways I know you can’t truly comprehend right now. Please, hear me anyway. Keep the things I am saying in your back pocket for future use.

The partner you’re dreaming of, yes, I know the one, he exists, but he’s not the person you think. He isn’t someone who disrespects and hurts you. He’s not the man who wants to control and limit you. He’s not someone you walk on eggshells around because you’re afraid of the next time he’ll blow up. He is the man who celebrates who you are, encourages you to grow and wants to help make your dreams reality. He is the man who thinks you’re amazing, flaws and all. He is the man who doesn’t make you think you are hard to love.

Stand strong in the knowledge of who you are, my darling girl. Never settle for less than you deserve. And always know you deserve the very best. You are worthy. You are worth moving heaven and earth to be with. You are a gift. If someone doesn’t see that, they aren’t worth your time. It’s okay to walk away from anything and anyone who doesn’t want to help you be the best version of yourself or who makes you feel less than. Relationships will come and go. Learn from them rather than feel trapped in them because you’re scared to be alone or afraid to admit you were wrong about someone. It’s okay to make mistakes. Own them, learn the lesson and move forward. Believe that you can handle anything that comes your way, because you can, but know there are things you should never handle and let those go.

Love yourself enough to walk away from what hurts your soul. Love yourself to shine as brightly as you know you can.

All my love,

Rachel
 

Dear 13-Year-Old Me,

​A few months before you turn 14, you’ll be a raped by one of your closest friends. There will be scars on your right hand that will remind you of that day for the rest of your life. One day, you will see them as a sign of survival, but for a while you will see them as a homing device for abusive people. You will try to figure out for many years what you did to “ask for it,” so that “it” will never happen again. Nothing you do will work because no one asks to be raped by staying a little late at school after basketball practice or scoring higher than the boys on the math test or acting too much like a “dyke.”

You will not be the protagonist in your sexual and romantic life for a long time because of this. You will be ambivalent but neurotic and will sometimes want to disappear. You will not know what to do when you develop feelings for your classmate at your all girls’ Catholic high school. You will feel a twinge of fear every time you hear that word “dyke” again, even though you know it doesn’t really fit you.
I’m not going to say that “it gets better.” You will be raped again in college. You will remain too long in relationships with folks who are, at best, incompatible or, at worst, abusive. You will be stalked. You will face sexism, homophobia and biphobia, street harassment, slut-shaming, and people who think they get to touch your body on the dancefloor or at the bar or in the office. There are people who will tell you to “be careful” when you go on road trips with your guy friend or travel for business alone or take a nap under a tree or wear yoga pants (yes, even to do yoga).

You will, however, be a more authentic and empowered version of yourself.  You will stop searching for what you did to “ask for it.” While the world will change far too slowly for your liking, you will change. You will find trustworthy friends who will anchor you. You will come out as bisexual, which will help you cultivate a life that feels more honest and free. You will start caring a little less about what everyone thinks of you and start caring more about being the kind of person you want to be. While you know that giving people the power to love you gives them the power to hurt you, you will do it anyway. Vulnerability will always make you nervous, but life without it will feel scarier. You will have all kinds of intimacy and friendship and romance and adventure.

One of these adventures will involve a guy you meet for what you think will be a casual brunch date. You will fall deeply for his wit and kindness and strength. He will love all of you, even the pieces you’re still learning to love about yourself. One evening, you will make a promise to love him for the rest of your life, and you will mean it more than you’ve meant anything else. You will let him stare right into your eyes for a long time without turning away. As you begin contemplating having children with this guy, you will keep trying to make the world the kind of place you want for them. While you would hope that world would be one without violence or abuse, you will settle for a world in which no one ever has to feel they “asked for it.”

Cheers, kiddo. Take care of yourself.

LB

LB Klein, MSW has dedicated her career to ending gender-based violence, supporting survivors, and advancing social justice. She is a researcher, educator, and consultant based in Atlanta, Georgia and serves as a lead trainer for Prevention Innovations Research Center. She and her partner will be relocating to North Carolina this summer, where she will be pursuing her doctorate in social work at UNC-Chapel Hill. You can follow her on Twitter @LB_Klein. 

Dear Teenage Me,
​
You’re going to get a lot of different messages about what a relationship should look like. These messages will come from many different places—from your friends, family, and from movies, television, and music videos.  Please remember this: only you get to define what you want.

You’re also going to get a lot of different messages about how important it is to be in a relationship. And, at times, you will feel like there is something “wrong” with you because you are not in a relationship, especially when all of your friends are in one. Nothing could be further from the truth.  Never feel like you need someone to complete you, or that you need someone to make you feel worthy and valuable. You don’t. You are complete and whole and perfect just the way you are.  In fact, being single—or as I have come to think of it—being awesome—will end up being some of the best and most meaningful experiences of your life. Slow down and enjoy it. The next best thing is not necessarily right around the corner. Sometimes it’s the person looking back at you in the mirror.

That reminds me—try your best not to caught up in all the media scrutiny and fixation with women’s bodies and thinness. Thin does not equal healthy. Thin does not equal beautiful.  You might not realize it now, but you’ll have much bigger and more meaningful things to do with your curious brain then distract it with that body-scrutiny garbage. Love your body—it has taken good care of you. Please take good care of it back.

One last thing: When the time comes to shed your skin and you say goodbye to your relationships,  please be kind and gentle to the people you are letting go.  They have loved you. That have trusted you. You have loved them. And, you have trusted them.  You both deserve respectful goodbyes. They will hurt.  You will hurt, too. But, you will know in your heart when it’s time to walk away. Doing the right thing can be scary, but it’s during the most difficult moments that we find our strength and our purpose.

You’ve got one amazing life to live kid. So, go live it with joy, curiosity, and an open heart.

Love, your 36 year old self.