The Triumph Over Abuse Blog
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12/14/2014 Ways to Say "No" to Make Room for Self-Care By Melissa Fickling, See the Triumph Guest Blogger
‘Tis the season for selflessness? Not if you are already struggling to take care of your own needs. This time of year it can be especially tempting to stretch ourselves too thin, giving too much of our time, energy, and resources (i.e., money) to others in the name of holiday cheer. Get a head start on your New Year’s Resolutions, and put yourself at the top of your gift list. Yes, this is old advice, but it persists because it has merit. If you can’t commit to putting “ME” at the top of your list, think about bumping yourself up a spot or two and seeing what happens. From invitations, to requests for help and donations, to enduring the busy season at work or at home, when faced with a decision, ask yourself the following: · Will this activity give me energy or deplete it? · Does this person or organization absolutely need me for this project? · What is the worst that will happen if I say no? · Am I able to say yes with 100% enthusiasm? If not, why am I considering committing? And since saying no can be hard, especially for those of us just starting to get the hang of it, here are a few phrases you can borrow: · Thank you for the invitation, but I have other plans at that time. · That is not something I can commit to right now. · I have promised myself (or my family) not to take on any additional projects. · I have to pass, but please keep me in mind in the future. · I am unable to at this time. · That isn’t something I am interested in, but I’m sure you will find the right person. · I’m working on taking extra good care of myself, and this just doesn’t fit into my schedule. · No, but thank you for thinking of me. · No, but I wish you the best in reaching your goal. · That’s not for me. · No. Finally, remember that you do not need to apologize for saying no. You do not need to justify your saying no. The world will continue turning, your true friends will support your boundaries, and you loved ones will appreciate the fact that you are taking better care of yourself so that you can spend your energy where it matters most. Melissa J. Fickling, MA, LPC, NCC is a Doctoral Candidate in the Department of Counseling & Educational Development at the University of North Carolina at Greensboro. She is the instructor for CED 574A: Women’s Issues in Counseling for the 2014-2015 academic year. Melissa has worked as a counselor in college, community, and private practice settings where she specializes in issues related to work, career, and transition. Melissa completed her doctoral cognate in Women’s and Gender Studies at UNCG. She is on track to graduate with her Ph.D. in May of 2015. Her dissertation is examining career counselors’ perceptions of social justice advocacy behaviors. By Amber Johnson, See the Triumph Guest Blogger
Being an a IPV survivor advocate can be a rewarding experience, as advocates give selflessly and provide encouragement for those who may not have any form of support. However, survivor advocacy can be quite stressful. Many times, advocates can become overwhelmed when there are so many things to do with so little time in the day. Particularly during the holiday season, advocates may feel more moved to ensure the needs of survivors are met. Consequently, this may place an emotional toll on advocates who feel they are unable to meet those needs. During the holidays, it important for advocates to take a step back and take time for themselves, physically and mentally. This may be hard for advocates initially because advocates may believe that any time for themselves is taking time away from their responsibility as an advocate. However, an advocate who practices self-care and relaxation is in a much better place to advocate for survivors effectively. One way to identify when an advocate is in immediate need of self-care is when symptoms of burnout begin to occur. Though burnout can present with a wide array of symptoms, there several main symptoms that advocates can experience: Emotional Exhaustion: Advocates can feel tired, drained and exhausted. They may feel lethargic and have a lack of motivation due to decreased energy. Advocates can also experience digestive pain and problems due to emotional stress. Alienation: Advocates may become increasingly frustrated and cynical when encountering numerous obstacles while supporting survivors. This may lead to feelings of disengagement, emotional distancing, and increased effort to reach advocacy goals. Performance Reduction: When advocates experience burnout, symptoms may affect every aspect of their lives. Advocates can view tasks in the home and on their job negatively, leading to increased procrastination. Further, burnout can make it harder for advocates to concentrate, leading to decreased ambition and creativity. If you observe these signs of burnout, there are several things you can do help cope: 1. Set boundaries: As an advocate you can say “no”. As advocates give so selflessly, this may be difficult to say. You should always remember that you have permission to say no simply because overextending yourself does not allow you to give quality effort to the survivors you serve. 2. Find a relaxing hobby: Advocates can take on a hobby to slow down and release some of the daily stress that they may experience. Some good hobbies that advocates include meditation, journaling, yoga, or blogging. It is important that you take time away from advocacy just to focus on yourself. 3. Adopt healthier lifestyle habits: Whether you’re experiencing symptoms of burnout or not, it is always good for advocates to adopt healthy eating, exercising, and sleeping habits. This will help increase your energy levels and resiliency when facing the obstacles experienced as an advocate for IPV survivors. 4. Find support: Advocates can reach out to other advocates for support and encouragement. Sharing feelings to someone who can relate can be beneficial to reducing stress. You can also find support in friends who you can confide in and tend to be good listeners. It is important that advocates be able to vocalize their challenges to others for support. 5. Reassess your goals and priorities: Advocates should take the time to reevaluate their goals and priorities. Determine what goals you want to reach as an advocate and how they should be prioritized. Try to discover which goals are ideal for you to obtain and how much time you believe it will take to reach them. Try to put them in context with your personal goals so that you can find a balance between advocacy and your own personal goals. Amber Johnson is a doctoral student in the Department of Public Health Education at the University of North Carolina at Greensboro. Amber’s current interest focuses on the health consequences of shame endured by women on a systemic level, particularly among racial/ethnic minority women. She is interested in Community-Based Participatory Research and establishing effective partnerships with community members. She also seeks to find ways to lessen the differential power of researchers and community members. She will be on track to finish her PhD in May 2016. Compiled by Amber Johnson, See the Triumph Guest Blogger
Mental Health.gov http://www.mentalhealth.gov/ Provides one-stop access to U.S. government mental health and mental health problems information for the public. National Institute of Mental Health http://www.nimh.nih.gov/index.shtml Provides access to the latest research and health information on mental health. National Alliance on Mental Illness http://www.nami.org/ The NAMI is a grassroots mental health organization dedicated to building better lives for those affected by mental illness. NAMI promotes advocacy for those with mental illness to have access to services, treatment, supports while raising awareness of mental illness. Mental Health America http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/ Mental Health America is dedicated to the promotion of mental health, the prevention of mental and substance use conditions and advocacy, education, research and service. National Center on Domestic Violence, Trauma, and Mental Health http://www.nationalcenterdvtraumamh.org/ The National Center of Domestic Violence, Trauma, and Mental health raises awareness about the intersections of domestic violence, trauma, substance abuse, and mental health. This resources offers training, webinars, consultations, and community resources, and legal advocacy. Families for Depression Awareness www.familyaware.org Family aware is an organization that helps families recognize and cope with depressive disorders. This resources includes profiles of families and experts, and an online depression wellness analyzer to help families cope with depression and help their families monitor treatment. Facing Us www.facingus.org Facing us is a resource that provides information about treatment and management of mental illnesses. This website includes online tools for journaling, a wellness plan, and a wellness tracker. Helpguide.org www.helpguide.org Helpguide is a resource that provides information people need to focus on their mental health and wellbeing. The website includes information on mental and emotional health, family and relationships, healthy living and aging. Mood Letter www.moodletter.com The mood letter is a resource for information about depression, anxiety and bipolar disorder. This website includes stories and articles for patients and family members, tips on identifying symptoms, and information on various treatment options. National Resource Center for Hispanic Mental Health www.nrchmh.org/ The NRCHMH is a resource that helps individuals with mental illness seek and obtain culturally competent treatment and assist with overcoming the stigma of mental illness. The resource provides an online toolkit and trainings, community resources, and a scholarship fund tailored to the mental health and wellbeing of Hispanics. National Federation of Families for Children Health www.ffcmh.org The National Federation of Families for Children’s Mental Health is an organization that focuses on the issues around children and youth with emotional, behavioral, or mental health needs and their families. This resource advocates for families to develop policies, service and support for families with children that have mental health needs and services to strengthen families. Amber Johnson is a doctoral student in the Department of Public Health Education at the University of North Carolina at Greensboro. Amber’s current interest focuses on the health consequences of shame endured by women on a systemic level, particularly among racial/ethnic minority women. She is interested in Community-Based Participatory Research and establishing effective partnerships with community members. She also seeks to find ways to lessen the differential power of researchers and community members. She will be on track to finish her PhD in May 2016. By Amber Johnson, See the Triumph Guest Blogger
The caged bird sings with a fearful trill of things unknown but longed for still and his tune is heard on the distant hill for the caged bird sings of freedom -Maya Angelou Many know Maya Angelou for her thunderous and powerful words. Her influence on the arts of the 21st century is nothing short of astonishing. She was successful, ambitious, wise, motivational, and inspiring. She was also a survivor of interpersonal violence. In her poem, she discusses a bird being in a cage singing from freedom. There are many things in life that can serve as cages. One of the most imprisoning emotions interpersonal violence survivors can encounter is shame. One way to think about shame is the belief that you are incompetent because you define yourself by how others define intellect, skill and ability. People may feel ashamed when they feel they don’t amount to other people’s definition of success. Particularly during the holidays, shame experienced by IPV survivors may cause reluctance to celebrate the holidays with family and friends. IPV survivors may fear that others will view them as personally incompetent. Experiencing domestic violence in a relationship can be embarrassing and demeaning, which can leave survivors with lingering feelings of low self-worth. Leaving a violent relationship can also leave persistent feelings of defeat, unwillingness to fight, and self-blaming. As we go through the holiday season, it is important to understand that we determine our own self-worth. Why is this important now? The holiday season symbolizes the end of the year and time with family and friends. This is time where many people reflect on life, goals obtained or not obtained, and love. A natural response to shame can include withdrawal, avoidance, and self-hate, leading to more isolation and loneliness. It is important to understand that the shame can make feel caged. However, this is a cage in which you can break free. How we respond and deal with shame when experienced, determines our ability to move forward personally and socially. Spend time with a friend or family member you have not seen in a while over the holidays. Remind yourself why you did everything right by leaving a violent relationship. You are a survivor and every day you live, you are proudly singing. Though shame doesn’t go away overnight or through the holidays, keep singing. Keep singing until you are free from all the shame you feel. You are free. Amber Johnson is a doctoral student in the Department of Public Health Education at the University of North Carolina at Greensboro. Amber’s current interest focuses on the health consequences of shame endured by women on a systemic level, particularly among racial/ethnic minority women. She is interested in Community-Based Participatory Research and establishing effective partnerships with community members. She also seeks to find ways to lessen the differential power of researchers and community members. She will be on track to finish her PhD in May 2016. 12/8/2014 Loneliness and the Holidays By Amber Johnson
Though the holiday season may be filled with joy and love, for some IPV survivors there may be intense feelings of loneliness during the holidays. Surviving IPV may mean living away from family and friends which can become even more apparent during the holidays. Also, feelings of shame and guilt may isolate survivors of IPV, causing them to feel emotionally distant even when surrounded by friends and family. Making it through the holidays without a significant other to share traditions with can make the holidays stressful. Here are several tips to help you work through the loneliness you may feel during the holiday season 1. Live By Your OWN Expectations Many people measure their own happiness during the holidays based on the happiness displayed by those around them, in the media, and on television. Further, social media can often portray images of happiness and success that we may feel we can never achieve. This can lead to feelings of isolation and loneliness when our own happiness doesn’t measure up to what we are observing around them. What we may observe in the media, on TV, or even social media only give highlights of others’ lives. Comparing your life with a limited glimpse you have others’ lives can deepen feelings anger, isolation, and loneliness. One of the ways to combat this is to define your own expectations. Some questions you could ask yourself are: What makes you happy? What are you grateful for? What are you comfortable with? Asking yourself these questions will allow you to focus on you and help you to define your own expectations during the holidays. 2. Get connected with other IPV survivors Though sometimes you may experience loneliness even when you are around friends and family, this loneliness can be reduced when surrounding yourself with people who share a common experience, such as IPV. You can attend a holiday social with IPV survivors, call or email another IPV survivor you know, or connect with a local support group or a social media group to stay connected to IPV survivors. Though these feelings may persist, it is harder to feel lonely with a good support circle. 3. Understand and Accept your Feelings Though IPV survivors may experience loneliness, the root cause for loneliness is not always a result of IPV. Feelings of loneliness are complex and different for each individual. That is why it always important to examine your own feelings either on your own or with a mental health professional. You may consider the driving forces behind your loneliness, such as living far away from social groups, or feelings of not being relatable with peers. Once you understand your feelings of loneliness, you can work toward fully addressing those feelings. 4. Volunteer The holidays are the perfect time to give back to those may be less fortunate than you. One of the best ways to address loneliness is to help others. In some instances, this may give survivors a sense of hope and optimism. Volunteering allows survivors to be active in their community while making a difference. Before you know it, you will be taking on the true spirit of the holidays! Amber Johnson is a doctoral student in the Department of Public Health Education at the University of North Carolina at Greensboro. Amber’s current interest focuses on the health consequences of shame endured by women on a systemic level, particularly among racial/ethnic minority women. She is interested in Community-Based Participatory Research and establishing effective partnerships with community members. She also seeks to find ways to lessen the differential power of researchers and community members. She will be on track to finish her PhD in May 2016. By Melissa Fickling, See the Triumph Guest Blogger
December can be a month fraught with mixed emotions and meaning – from holidays, to the changing seasons, to memories, it offers opportunity for reflection and self-nurturing if we allow ourselves the time. Starting this month, a group of students enrolled in a course I had the privilege of teaching, will serve as guest contributors to See the Triumph with a focus on mental health, wellness, and self-care for those touched by intimate partner violence. We are a group of six women in a course titled Women’s Issues in Counseling. We come from all walks of life and all different academic disciplines. What we share, however, is a commitment to understanding and acknowledging the ways the social construct of gender impacts our individual and collective well-being. We have diverse interests, so you will hear about IPV from a variety of angles. We hope you will hear themes of hope and caring – themes which permeate the stories shared through See the Triumph all year round. This semester, we have learned and shared about a variety of topics and their impact on the lives of women and people of all genders. There have been moments of courage, vulnerability, and healing in our time together. We have chosen to contribute to See the Triumph as a way to reach beyond the classroom to raise public awareness about mental health, wellness, and the impact of violence. We are grateful to be able to connect with you in this way. By sharing our lessons and our stories we hope that you may feel empowered to speak out, share this information with a friend, or challenge hurtful words or behaviors when you see them. We also hope you will feel that you are not in this alone. As we move through the month of December and the days get shorter, I hope our words can be a source of light as we all continue our journey toward wellness and survival and triumph. The term self-care refers to any behavior or practice which enhances or maintains wellness in one or more areas of your life, from physical to emotional to spiritual wellness. To start us thinking about ways we can practice caring for ourselves, we invite you to ask yourself the following questions:
Melissa J. Fickling, MA, LPC, NCC is a Doctoral Candidate in the Department of Counseling & Educational Development at the University of North Carolina at Greensboro. She is the instructor for CED 574A: Women’s Issues in Counseling for the 2014-2015 academic year. Melissa has worked as a counselor in college, community, and private practice settings where she specializes in issues related to work, career, and transition. Melissa completed her doctoral cognate in Women’s and Gender Studies at UNCG. She is on track to graduate with her Ph.D. in May of 2015. Her dissertation is examining career counselors’ perceptions of social justice advocacy behaviors. |
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