8/12/2014 Day 12: A Story of Courage “I had a nice house, we both had high-paying jobs, had a ‘perfect life’ on the outside so I stayed for a long time with the abuse occurring, mostly because of the kids. He still bothers me because I have to deal with him because of the kids. But I know he can't hurt me in any way anymore. Sometimes I feel guilty that I left because I don't have an intact family but I know I did what I could to try to save it. I never wanted to be divorced but I'm proud that with the help of others I was finally able to make the final break. It was like I was making an escape.” ~ Domestic violence survivor
8/11/2014 Day 11: A Story of Courage “He abused me from the beginning of our marriage until the very end when he held a (gun) to my head and a shotgun in my face, when I decided that I could not leave, but had to make him believe that he left me. The only contact we have now is when it involves my children, and my current husband is always with me.” ~ Domestic violence survivor
8/10/2014 Day 10: A Story of Courage “I had started to try and keep my distance from him. One day, his (family member) called and said…it was safe to come because he wasn't around. He was. A fight began... I fled to my car to protect myself from him, and he came at the car window... If it wasn't for a bystander who noticed and threatened to call the police, I think he would have killed me. In that moment I realized that if I were to stay in that relationship, I wouldn't make it alive. So as soon as it was safe, I ran as far as I could, called the police, pressed charges. He knew it was over then because I had broken the golden rule of ‘snitching’ to the police.” ~ Domestic violence survivor
8/9/2014 My Journey Is Not CompleteBy Jen Schenker, See the Triumph Guest Blogger It has taken me a long time to be able to admit that I was a victim of sexual assault; once when I was five and once when I was 19. It took even longer for me to recognize myself as a survivor, but once I did, I knew that I wanted to work with others who had their voices stolen. However, it was difficult to hear other people talk about their experiences when I still had not figured out how to heal from my own trauma. Every time I told my story I struggled to find the perfect words that would describe what it felt like to exist in a space where someone I loved destroyed my spirit. The English language has so many fantastic adjectives, nouns, and verbs but none of them seemed to do a good enough job. Some say that the arts were created to go where plain words cannot; to abstractly represent the myriad of thoughts and emotions that we humans experience but cannot entirely describe to others. When I heard about FORCE and the work that they were doing with The Monument Quilt, I knew that it would be a chance to recount my journey from victim to survivor. The quilt is made up of 4’x4’ red squares that survivors and supporters create and send in to FORCE. Once all the squares are completed and received, they will all be stitched together into a massive quilt that will span the lawn in front of The National Mall in Washington, DC. The quilt project allows people to come together nationwide to support one another while also raising awareness about sexual assault. I could not resist the chance to get crafty and have some time for self-reflection. Yet, how does a story of sexual assault fit into a 4’x4’ space? This was something that I struggled with when I began designing my quilt square. I knew that I wanted to put some sort of message on my square and that I wanted it to have a figure or image that represented my narrative. I finally settled on a quote that has been very important to me and the image of a phoenix to symbolize how it felt to overcome the trauma. Throughout the process of making my quilt square, I found that I had to take a lot of self-care breaks. With each paint stroke and stitch in the fabric memories that I thought were long gone came rushing back to the surface. Neither one of my attackers went to jail and one of them died eight years ago, so many of my questions will never be answered nor will justice ever be served. Time has dulled the pain quite a bit, but those times in my life will always be tainted. During my moments of self-care and reflection, I realized how proud I was of myself for getting back up after being knocked down. My design started to become a reality and I was surprised by how well my square represented my journey to the present. I started to get excited about the finished product and traveling to Washington to see the squares that others have made. Many of the survivors who will be making quilt squares will do so at various workshops across the country so they will have the ability to meet other survivors and supporters. I think I would have gotten even more out of being able to work on my project while talking to others who have their own stories to tell. My journey is not complete, but I am very much looking forward to the future and I hope others can get as much as I did out of this project. Jen Schenker is a graduate student at UNC-Greensboro working towards her MS/EdS in Clinical Mental Health Counseling. She completed her undergraduate degree in Psychology and Women’s and Gender Studies at The University of North Carolina at Greensboro. As a survivor of domestic violence and sexual assault, she is passionate about advocating for other survivors and likes to divide her time between counseling and fighting for social justice. In the future, she plans to pursue a doctoral degree in Counseling and Educational Development, continue advocating, and counsel others affected by domestic violence/sexual assault. 8/9/2014 Day 9: A Story of Courage “After leaving over 13 times and him forcing/coercing me to come home, or I would come home from work and he would have moved into my home I had given up. I accepted the fact that I must have done something really bad in my life…so I stayed with him. Then once he started telling me how he could bury me alive in a local construction (site) and no one would ever find me. I fled the state with my…son. For nearly 6 months I called my family from payphones each Friday to let them know we were okay, but would never tell them where I was.” ~ Domestic violence survivor
8/8/2014 Day 8: A Story of Courage This week, we’re sharing stories from our research that show the courage that people can show in the face of even the most horrific abuse. As you read the stories this week, think about the amount of courage each person demonstrated when they took action to get safe. Here’s our first story for the week:
“This partner tried to set me on fire with WD-40 and a lighter. He was ultimately placed in a mental institution which he kept calling me from and would NOT stop even when the police themselves had to him in person NOT to have any further contact with me. Also, he caused property damage to my apartment complex…Before we went to court I decided to flee and left to live a better life.” ~ Domestic violence survivor 8/7/2014 What If I Tell My Story?By Claire Cappetta, See the Triumph Guest Blogger There was a time when I didn't tell many people of my past, only those who I became close to. It was after I met my husband I started to open up about my past. For the first time I was told I wasn't insane or crazy. He told me bad things happen all the time to good people. Slowly, I started to think maybe he had a point, what if bad things do happen to good people? A bigger question still... What if... I'm actually 'good'? He suggested I write everything down, so very simply, I did, through tears, pain, heartache and grief. By doing this, I found out something about myself—I wasn't a 'bad' person after all. My feelings of isolation and loneliness lifted. Through healing, strength is found, to be able to open up and slowly share your story. I was having dinner with my husband one evening, we were laughing at the pile of paper sitting in the corner of the room, 'my writings.' He suggested it should be a book, I laughed, “Sure!” He wasn't laughing. It suddenly struck me he was serious. I struggled with it for a while but the same thoughts kept coming back, what if it helped someone else? What if someone else didn't feel isolated and alone as I had? It became a book. It became 'My Story' and as I did more research I found other people just like me, they had stories too! We weren't alone. Each story was unique, different, showing victory over abuse and trauma. In every country around the world, we all have a story of victory over abuse and violence. I had always believed my 'Story' had started when I was raped at 15, but I was wrong. When I was 22 years old, carrying my first child I fainted, 'blacked out' at least once a day. I fell down stairs, walking, doing simple everyday tasks. The doctors couldn't understand why, sending for all manner of tests, brain wave scans, diets, even a test to put me in a contraption and spin me around in all directions to see if I would pass out, I drew the line and said “No!,” and I had a CT scan. This last CT Scan experiment on me showed my brain was different. They told me it wasn't a tumor like they thought it might be but there was an area which was 'lit up' by my pituitary gland. They didn't understand why, so they suggested it must be my slow blood circulation. This was 25 years ago, and these days they understand brain patterns much more. When I read an article on PTSD, it showed different brain patterns including one for someone with PTSD. It was lit up just like mine, so further tests now show I'm the proud owner of PTSD. It is mine, my medal, a badge of honor to show I survived trauma and I'm still alive! When I decided to put my book, A Broken Ring, into print I was told I should start writing a blog. It was frightening at first. I wrote about holidays, happy events, that I was attempting my first book... None of it deep and meaningful, until I found the courage to confess to my readers why I was really writing. I wrote a post called “The Confessions of Me...” I suddenly hit a cord with people! They commented, liked and emailed me privately suddenly sharing their stories! I have made some wonderful new friends now through writing. One lady came back to the US from living abroad, she was there to connect with her daughters from parental alienation. She had rescued one daughter, bringing her back with her, and now they are finding their new mother/daughter relationship again after too many years apart. She thanked me, saying I had given her the strength to do it, but I believe she found her own strength. One friend, after reading my book called me on the phone crying, saying now she didn't feel alone anymore, she felt ‘understood.' That phone call made all the hard work and tears worth everything. Even if I never sold another book, I had managed what I had set out to do--help someone feel they are not and were not alone. Lastly, I was sent an email just the other day, a new friend has just finished her first chapter of her book, and she posted on Facebook that I had given her the courage to do it. She has found a friend to help her with editing and the cover too! While it's always nice to be mentioned, it is her strength, her courage and her amazing journey that will be written and discovered. I am truly grateful for this journey I am on, to be invited into a warm, loving circle of people understanding and sharing their own unique stories of survival and healing. Claire is the author of A Broken Ring ~ A journey of Empowerment and Stalking Liberty ~ Are you safe?..., (Parts One and Two of the Ride to Liberty Trilogy). Born and raised in Yorkshire, England, she recently retired from the financial world to concentrate on writing her personal journey through relationships, child abuse, rape, domestic violence, through to healing and empowerment. Although at times heartbreaking it shows healing is possible. The story is heartwarming and inspiring. She now lives in New York with her husband and step-daughter, while her two grown children live in England. 8/5/2014 Thank You For Sharing Your Stories: A Note To Those Who Have Participated In Our Research StudiesBy Christine Murray and Allison Crowe, See the Triumph Co-Founders
As we’ve been working on this month’s theme of “Every Survivor Has a Story,” we’ve been going back through the stories of the survivors who participated in our research, including our original research studies and the current study we’re conducting now. It’s been a powerful reminder of how so many survivors have entrusted us with their deeply personal stories of experiencing and overcoming abuse. Between all of our studies, we've heard from hundreds of survivors by now, and we are thankful for each and every one of you. As researchers, it’s not often that we pause to express deep gratitude to participants in our studies. However, we want to take time to do that today, to let anyone who has participated in one of our interviews and/or surveys just how much we appreciate the time and insights you shared with us. Nearly all of our research has been collected anonymously, and this was done to protect participants’ confidentiality and to ensure that people can feel free to share openly without needing to disclose their identities. This is important to the methodology of our research, but it does mean that we aren’t able to reach out individually to participants to thank them for being part of our research. So, we hope by expressing our gratitude here, we will reach at least some of the many people who have so graciously shared their stories with us. And so, to those who have shared your stories with us through our research, we want to say thank you:
It is truly such an honor for you to have shared your stories with us. We hope that our efforts through See the Triumph play some part in harnessing the power of your stories for creating the social change needed to end abuse and the stigma surrounding it, as well as supporting other survivors. Please know that, by sharing your stories with us, you have certainly inspired us, and we know that you are inspiring others as well. With sincerest thanks, Christine & Allison PS--Please remember that study participants’ anonymity and confidentiality are still important to us, and we ask anyone who may have participated in our research to not publicly identify themselves as such here on our blog or through our social media channels. By Allison Crowe, See the Triumph Co-Founder
When is it the “right” time to start telling your story as a survivor of intimate partner violence? For the month of August, Christine and I wanted to focus on the idea that every survivor has a story worth sharing. Stories are powerful. They heal us when we tell painful ones. They bring us happiness when we re-live the joyful ones. But for some stories, timing is especially important, and knowing when you are ready to begin telling that story is a unique and personal decision for you. This is certainly the case when it comes to sharing your own abuse story. A few years ago, when I was doing clinical work in a group practice setting, I had a client who was a survivor of years of childhood sexual abuse. She had just been transferred to me after working very successfully with a clinical intern who was moving to another state. “Connie” (name changed for anonymity) was extremely shy, suffering from serious symptoms of PTSD, and had just begun the process of working full time again and beginning a new life as a young woman. Her previous therapist helped her heal slowly but surely, as she worked through her abuse history. When hearing about the amazing transformation that had already taken place in a little over a year, I was intimidated about coming on as her counselor since they had accomplished so much together. I was also very sensitive to the notion that Connie might need some time before she even wanted to entertain the idea of sharing her story with me. For about a month or so, when Connie and I met for our therapy sessions, we did not delve into the abuse. I knew Connie wasn’t ready yet. Instead we talked about music, her work, her friends in the area, and how she was coping with PTSD symptoms. After some time, with a strong therapeutic relationship in place, I think she felt safe enough with me to tell me the parts of the story she still needed to talk through. She did not have to rehash her entire story to me in every detail, though. Really, I let her share what she wanted to share, and continued to check in about how she was feeling about our work together to make sure she always felt as though she was benefiting from retelling her story. Now, my time with Connie is just one example of stories, and how they have touched me as a clinician. Based on this experience, I can say the following to you out there who might be thinking about whether it’s time to seek out a counselor or therapist to share your story with.
These are just a few ideas for telling your story. Deciding to begin the process while having a “safety net” of a counselor or therapist can be one of the best ways to begin your healing process. And as a therapist, I know how grateful I feel to have been a part of the healing process for women and men who are overcoming their own abuse histories. It’s humbling to be trusted in this sort of way, and I’m thankful all the time to have shared in so many journeys. Thanks to all of you who choose to share your stories and Connie if you’re out there, a special thanks to you for sharing with me. 8/4/2014 Day 4: A Story of Abuse “I was brain washed by my Narcissistic Sociopath Abusive husband. The first years were much better than the last. He slowly got worse with drinking and verbal/emotional abuse. I was in complete head over hills in love with my husband, I worshiped him even. I was convinced if I'd just do things better that he wouldn't be so mad at me all the time. I never could do much of anything right. I walked on eggshells most of the time. Sometimes no matter what I did was just fine with him and I was on top of the world happy. Then out of the blue he would totally switch. Nothing I or our daughter did was good enough and all hell would break loose.” ~ Domestic violence survivor
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