By Claire Cappetta, See the Triumph Contributor Could there possibly be a man out there who is Prince TooCharming? You might also know him as Mr. Duck? You know the saying, “If it quacks like a duck, and walks like a duck, then yes, you’ve met Mr. Duck.” He also goes by his alias, Prince TooCharming!” Yes, I see you pulling a face and smirking, but some of us have fallen for it, even the savviest of us. He walks into the room, your eyes meet and BOOM! You connect. Why not? Look at him, he’s just your “type”. He’s handsome, funny, he seems to adore you completely. You become his world. How do you feel? Completely flattered, of course! Who wouldn’t? But look out…Your supposed prince turns out to really be Prince TooCharming! So, how can you tell the difference between a kind-hearted, loving partner and a potential abuser, Prince TooCharming? Here are some signs to look for: Prince TooCharming He just simply adores you, and at first it seems that there’s nothing wrong with that, as everyone loves to be adored. He brings you flowers and listens intently to your every word. He’ll even turn off the music or television because you are “way more important than that.” He’ll surprise you with gifts, just for being you. You might even think he’s just too good to be true, and sadly that’s because he is. Don’t get me wrong, romance is wonderful, but this guy? He needs you to believe in him, completely, so he turns on the charm as much as he can until he’s completely gained your trust. Be especially cautious if he’s professing his love very soon after you’ve met. Real love takes time. “You’re Late. Where were you?” You’ve been dating him for a week or two and you’re meeting up for the evening. Sadly, the bus or train was late, or traffic was congested, and now you’re ten minutes late. You get there, see him and his eyes are flashing, as if to warn you, “Danger Ahead!!!” He shouts at you for being late, even as you explain your perfectly valid reason for being late. But he doesn’t want to hear it. Instead, he asks “Who is he? How long have you seen him?” You explain there is nobody else. He doesn’t buy it, and he doesn’t listen. He might even go into a full blown rage. Or, he may be the type who sulks, goes quiet, and doesn’t want to talk, because emotionally manipulating you is so much fun for him. Either way, he’s shown you that he disregards your feelings and opinions, and he’s prone to jealousy and possessiveness. These are common characteristics of a potential abuser. Are you being controlled and isolated yet? In the beginning you could do no wrong. But now? He starts telling you that everything you do is wrong. You wear the wrong clothes, and he doesn’t like the way you do your make-up. He might set up situations that turn out negative, and he immediately blames you. For the most part, you know that it’s not your fault, but you are starting to think that maybe, just maybe it is. You start to think that he could have a point, and maybe you’re not good at deciding things for yourself. It’s okay, he tells you, and slowly and subtly, he starts to make your decisions for you. He’ll tell you he doesn’t like your friends and family and that you don’t need them because “You have each other.” Prince TooCharming shows you in so many ways that he wants total control of you, from what you think to what you wear to who you spend your time with. You oughta put a ring on it! He wants to commit, already. Yes, I know, you’ve known each other for a whole month! That’s long enough for him to tell you he loves you and that he wants you to be his “One and Only” forever. You might even get the whole “Forever Together” smile, too! That’s a long time after only a month, but he’ll tell you how it’s a whirlwind for him, how he’s never felt like this before, because you are just too special, too precious to let go. He needs to make you his…possession. A kind-hearted partner respects your need for space and your boundaries, while Prince TooCharming is really trying to claim ownership of you. But I love you!... Prince TooCharming makes you feel guilty, for just about everything. He’ll call and text you constantly, because, after all, you’re so precious to him, and he believes he owns you now. You're his life and his world, and he tells you that if you were to ever leave him, he’ll die. He may even threaten to commit suicide if you leave him, he emotionally blackmails you, and he spins you around in circles so much that you no longer can tell which way is up, down or sideways. Life with Prince TooCharming feels constantly confusing, as though it’s an unpredictable roller coaster of emotions, with a healthy dose of fear and danger that’s backed up by his threats to hurt you even more. Do you see your new boyfriend in this description of Prince TooCharming? Many of us have been there, too, and it’s a hard fact to face. You don’t need to face it alone. You can talk to an adult you trust, such as your parent, a teacher, or a counselor. You also could call the LoveisRespct.org Teen Dating Violence Hotline, which you can learn about here: http://www.loveisrespect.org/. If you’re dating someone who may be a Prince TooCharming, know that there are truly kindhearted, respectful partners out there, and you don’t need to settle for someone who turns on the charm only to entrap you in an abusive relationship. You deserve a safe, loving relationship—don’t let Prince TooCharming distract you from your quest to find it. Claire is the author of A Broken Ring ~ A journey of Empowerment and Stalking Liberty ~ Are you safe?..., (Parts One and Two of the Ride to Liberty Trilogy). Born and raised in Yorkshire, England, she recently retired from the financial world to concentrate on writing her personal journey through relationships, child abuse, rape, domestic violence, through to healing and empowerment. Although at times heartbreaking it shows healing is possible. The story is heartwarming and inspiring. She now lives in New York with her husband and step-daughter, while her two grown children live in England. 2/15/2015 Week 3/Message 3: Know the warning signs of abuse, and take them seriously if you see themBy Christine Murray, See the Triumph Co-Founder
Dating violence is an all-too-common experience among teenagers today. According to LoveIsRespect.org: “Nearly 1.5 million high school students nationwide experience physical abuse from a dating partner in a single year.” For many reasons, however, many adults, teenagers, school officials, and others are not talking enough about how to prevent dating violence and help teens have safe, healthy relationships. This means that many teenagers and their family members likely don’t understand the characteristics of an abusive relationship. But without this information, how will teens and their families be able to recognize a potentially abusive relationship? A basic definition of dating violence is that it is any form of physical, sexual, and/or emotional abuse within a current or former dating relationship (Murray & Graves, 2012). Physical violence can involve anything from pushing and hitting to violence with weapons and strangulation. Anything that your partner intentionally does that potentially hurts your body in any way can be considered physical violence. Sexual abuse involves a partner trying to force you or coerce you to do anything related to sex or physical intimacy that you don’t want to do. And, emotional abuse describes when an abusive partner acts in ways that degrade, isolate, control, or hurt your emotional wellbeing. These descriptions of dating violence are broader than many people think, and it’s important to remember that a relationship can be abusive even if there isn’t any physical abuse. If you’re dating someone, or even considering whether to date someone, be on the lookout for any potential warning signs that they may be prone to abuse. The Red Flag Campaign put together a great list of these warning signs, which you can find by clicking here. Often, an abusive person doesn’t show their true colors right away, so be mindful of these red flags even after you’ve been in the relationship for a period of time. Trust your instincts--If someone you’re dating makes you feel bad about yourself, if they are trying to control you or tell you what to do, or if you’re afraid of them, those are some good signs that you need to be very cautious about being in a relationship with them. If you find yourself in a relationship that you think might be abusive, seek help from a trusted adult or a professional, such as a school counselor, mental health counselor, or domestic violence agency. It’s scary to think that dating violence can happen in relationships. But, by knowing the warning signs to look for you, you can be more equipped to recognize a potentially abusive relationship and take action to stay safe if you have a potentially abusive partner. So, our third message during this third week of our focus on #safedating4teens is this: Know the warning signs of abuse, and take them seriously if you see them. Reference: Murray, C. E., & Graves, K. N. (2012). Responding to family violence. New York: Routledge. 2/12/2015 Don't Drink, Don't Smoke, Don't Be In An Unhealthy Relationship: The Conversation We Need To HaveBy Sara Forcella, See the Triumph Contributor
I have five cousins on my maternal side--4 of whom are very close in age--ranging from 15 to 21. I’ve had the honor of watching them grow and mature into amazing teens and young adults. In fact, I’d like to give myself a pat on the back for being a great role model. Not only was I lucky enough to live close to them, but I was lucky enough to mentor them in a way. Because of our age difference, I grew up talking to my cousins about things like relationships, both intimate and not, about drinking, drugs, college and life in general. I can’t count the number of times I’ve told them not to smoke cigarettes, not to ever try drugs, and to be careful while drinking. I’ve told them to use protection when and if they decide that they are ready to take their relationships to the next level. I’ve told them to never drink and drive, and that if they ever do decide to drink that it’s 100 percent acceptable to call me to get them home safely. I’ve told them these things knowing that as teenagers we all make mistakes, we all make bad decisions, and that no one is ever truly prepared to be a teenager. I wasn’t. The one topic that I never really talked to them about was dating violence. But sitting here writing about the significance of Teen Dating Awareness Month, I realize that should have. Just like talking to them about parties and sex, teens need to know that dating violence is a risk factor for them. In fact, one statistic asserts that “one in three adolescents in the U.S. is a victim of physical, sexual, emotional or verbal abuse from a dating partner, a figure that far exceeds rates of other types of youth violence” (Love Is Respect. Org). And for the ones who are lucky enough not to face abusive dating relationships in high school, they still run the risk of dealing with it in college. Even folks who are never victims of dating violence likely know at least one perpetrator or victim, whether they know it or not. My cousins--and all of our teens--they need to know that dating violence is happening all around them. It’s crucial to teach teenagers not only how to be good intimate partners (we can do this by having conversations and by modeling what healthy relationships like), but also what some red flags of unhealthy relationships look like. Some red flags for parents and caretakers to look for include things like a change in appearance, a lack of interest in things that one used to like, a pulling away from friends and family, bruises, a lack of self confidence, and fear of one’s partner. Teens need to understand the difference between truly being loved, and being controlled but told that they are loved. Partners often use things like put downs and guilt as forms of violence. Many times, it’s hard for teens to realize that they are even being abused. Other red flags can be if they are spending a lot of time with their partner and decreasing time with friends and family. While it’s normal for most couples to go through a “honeymoon phase,” it’s important that teens especially don’t lose touch with other social connections. Being a teenager is confusing And quite frankly, at 25, I still find relationships to sometimes be confusing. That’s why it’s so important for us to let our teens know that not all relationships are healthy, that both boys and girls can be victims of dating violence, and that there are so many great resources out there that can provide help. Teen’s dealing with dating violence or stalking are never alone! Parents, here is a list of a few great websites to share with your teens: An important number to know if you suspect a teen is dealing with dating violence is: 1−800−799−SAFE(7233), or TTY 1−800−787−3224 In recognition of Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month, WSJS Radio in North Carolina interviewed See the Triumph Co-Founder, Christine Murray, to share information about the dynamics of abusive dating relationships and what people can do to get help for abusive relationships. You can listen to the interviews by downloading the files at the links below.
Teen Dating Violence Interview, Part 1 Teen Dating Violence Interview, Part 2 |
Archives
April 2024
CategoriesAll About Intimate Partner Violence About Intimate Partner Violence Advocacy Ambassadors Children Churches College Campuses Cultural Issues Domestic Violence Awareness Month Financial Recovery How To Help A Friend Human Rights Human-rights Immigrants International Media Overcoming Past Abuse Overcoming-past-abuse Parenting Prevention Resources For Survivors Safe Relationships Following Abuse Schools Selfcare Self-care Sexual Assault Sexuality Social Justice Social-justice Stigma Supporting Survivors Survivor Quotes Survivor-quotes Survivor Stories Teen Dating Violence Trafficking Transformative-approaches |