By Christine Murray, See the Triumph Co-Founder
When you’re first dating someone that you like, and maybe even fall in love with, it can be tempting to want to spend every waking moment with them. If you’re dating someone you’re really interested in, they’re probably on your mind a lot of the time, and you want to focus a lot of your time, energy, and attention on getting to know that person and spending as much time as you can with them. Obviously, you need to spend time with someone you’re dating to really get to know them. But, I encourage you to resist the urge to make any person the center of your life early in a dating relationship. An important part of having a safe, healthy dating relationship is keeping up with your friends, family members, and interests during the relationship. It’s important for each person in a relationship to have some separate interests and experiences, as well as to maintain their own unique identity even as the relationship gets really close. Isolation is a key factor that can increase teens’ risk of being involved in an abusive relationship. Even if your relationship stays safe, you’ll want to have a strong network of friends, family members, and others around you for support for the challenges that you’ll face in your life, whether they relate to your relationship or other issues in your life. Also, keep up with your interests (such as sports or hobbies) so that you’ll always have opportunities to enjoy fun and positive experiences in your life. When you first start dating someone, it’s normal for there to be a transition time as you figure out how much time you’ll spend with your new partner, and how that relationship will impact other areas of your life. Overall, though, be sure in your new relationship to ask yourself if your new relationship is helping you stay connected to the people in your life, as well as the other things that are important to you. If you find yourself becoming more isolated, talk with a friend, trusted adult, or counselor so they can support you in figuring out if this is a healthy relationship for you. For all of these reasons, our second message during this second week of our focus on #safedating4teens is this: Stay connected to your friends, family, and interests when you’re dating. By Vanessa Stevens, See the Triumph Guest Blogger Our teen years are a time of experimenting, learning about ourselves and how we relate to others. Whether or not you’ve been in an abusive relationship, it’s wise to enter every relationship with caution. It’s smart, actually. According to statistics, teens between the ages of 16 to 24 are the most common demographic to experience dating violence. This month – designated nationally as Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month—we at See the Triumph are focusing on 4 weeks, 4 important messages on dating. Here’s a list of do’s and don’ts to remember before and during dating: · Do teach people how to treat you. Sophia Nelson, author of The Woman Code says you teach people how to treat you based on what you tolerate or don’t. If you love yourself, set and enforce boundaries, you won’t stand for treatment that doesn’t feel right. · Do identify and honor your needs. Why do you want a relationship? Are your friends each involved with someone? Do you want to fit in with a particular clique that the guy or girl you like is part of? Is it because you don’t want to feel lonely on a weekend? Are you willing to balance studying, homework, extracurricular activities, and/or a part-time job with time dating? · Don’t be like Bella. JThe movies and book were entertaining, but Twilight is not the model for a healthy relationship. There was stalking, manipulation and isolation from Bella’s friends, family and her interests. Bella became so obsessed with Edward, her love interest, that she eventually gave up her future to be with him, and to change who she was entirely! Sure, some married couples met in high school or college, but our teen years are a time for exploring our independence. · Do love yourself first. I wish I could tell you this is easy to do! You’re at the time when you are learning to accept your skills, your physical appearance, and how to fit in with peers and the world around you. Loving ourselves seems the last thing we do when we are under our own constant scrutiny. For tips to love yourself, refer back to the Self Care series. · Don’t be so available. Though it’s tempting to want to spend a lot of time with a new crush, your own life and schedule shouldn’t change or be put on hold. Trust is important—very important—and takes time to develop. One of the warning signs is a rushing to get serious. Healthy relationships honor time to get to know one another. Let the phone go to voice mail, don’t rush to return a text or email, order what you want on your side of the pizza, for example. (These can also be tests: Does he/she text you back angrily when you don’t respond right away?) Does he/she seem overly jealous or possessive? Are you ordering what he/she wants on the pizza, or is there a compromise?) · Don’t date your abuser all over again. What do I mean by this? When we meet someone we just seem to “click” with, we may unconsciously feel hope at the chance to confront past pain, to finally heal. This person may have traits that remind us of our abusive parent or past relationship. Chances are we will go down the same dead-end road of being abused again. The only way to heal is to attract positive, healthy people in your life. Beginning a new relationship is exciting. A survivor’s biggest fear is that they’ll be abused by someone else. Follow these tips but most importantly trust yourself. Listen to your gut and your intuition. If something feels wrong, or strange or weird, it could be a sign of an unhealthy relationship. After several abusive relationships in both high school and college, I remember thinking I would always attract abusers or that every new boyfriend would abuse me. Today, I know that’s not the case. I am married to a healthy, respectful and trustworthy man and the relationships I keep around me are healthy. It took years of learning to recognize abuse, then lowering and eliminating my tolerance of it. Take your time, get educated (see the sites below for more), and know that everyone deserves respect, trust, and real (healthy) love. Some books and resources to help define healthy dating:
Or, contact your local domestic violence or women’s resource center. The Purple Song Project: It is possible to thrive. Offering survivors of domestic violence hope, healing and awareness… through songs! Founder Vanessa Stevens is on a mission to identify what helps survivors really, truly move on after trauma and explores the ways music and art can help others heal. She has presented to teens on college campuses about preventing abuse. She also is a freelance article writer (online and off) and produces theme songs for businesses, non-profits and films. Purple song.com, twitter (@Van Stevens) or follow the project on Facebook. By Christine Murray, See the Triumph Co-Founder
Dating is all about relationships. When you think about dating, the first relationship that probably comes to mind is the relationship you have with the person you’re dating. But, I want to encourage you to think of another relationship before you think of that one. Whenever you’re thinking about a possible dating relationship, first and foremost, I want you to think of your relationship with yourself. You’ve probably heard the old saying, “You can’t love somebody else until you love yourself.” Maybe you’ve even rolled your eyes when a parent or teacher told you this! As cheesy as this saying can sound, there’s a deep truth to it that likely explains why this saying has had such staying power. The truth is, the best way to enter a healthy, safe dating relationship is by having a strong, positive sense of self. If you value yourself and recognize what an important, worthy person you are, you will be better prepared to notice if someone else begins to devalue or mistreat you. Of course, everyone has bad days, and it’s just as important to recognize your personal weaknesses as it is to believe in your positive qualities. However, this week, we’re focusing on the importance of valuing and honoring yourself in dating relationships. When you can see this value in yourself, you will expect nothing less than someone who treats you with the same level of value and respect that you give to yourself. And so, our first message during this first week of our focus on #safedating4teens is this: Always value and honor yourself when you’re dating. 8/3/2014 Day 3: A Story of Abuse Here’s a story from a survivor of teen dating violence:
“He would make me tell him I loved him. He would always start play fighting with me then hit harder and harder until I begged him to stop. He threw things at me and walked me to the top of the bleachers at school and threatened to push me down if I wouldn’t say everything he asked. He had other girlfriends and would flaunt them around me and if I complained he would put his hands around my throat & tell me I was his. I was a virgin at time and he kept threatening me saying if I didn't ‘give it up’ he would take it from me.” ~ Domestic Violence Survivor |
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