See the Triumph
  • Home
  • About Us
    • The Origins of See the Triumph
    • About our Research
    • Terms of Use
  • Blog
    • See the Triumph Collections
  • "Free Store"
  • Resources for More Information
  • Contact Us
  • Home
  • About Us
    • The Origins of See the Triumph
    • About our Research
    • Terms of Use
  • Blog
    • See the Triumph Collections
  • "Free Store"
  • Resources for More Information
  • Contact Us
Search by typing & pressing enter

YOUR CART

Picture
The Triumph Over Abuse Blog

3/17/2015

Entering New Relationships as a Survivor of Abuse: Accepting the Risks and Moving Forward Safely

By Christine Murray, See the Triumph Co-Founder

If you’ve been abused by a past abusive partner, there are many reasons why it makes perfect sense that you’d be afraid of entering into new intimate relationships. With this experience behind you, the risk of being hurt by a romantic partner is a reality, not just some abstract concept or statistic.

You know firsthand how damaging a harmful relationship can be--physically, emotionally, and/or spiritually. Even if that relationship has been over for a long time, you may still be dealing with the complications of it, such as if you’re still experiencing PTSD symptoms, or if you have to deal with your former abusive partner due to shared child custody. You may question your judgment in choosing a romantic partner, and you may fear that you’ll end up in another abusive relationship. All of these thoughts and feelings are very normal and expected responses to the trauma of abuse.

Despite all of the reactions described above, many survivors of abuse still hold out hope of finding a safe, healthy intimate relationship. Desiring an intimate connection with another person is a normal, natural human need. Even Maslow included belongingness and love in his Hierarchy of Human Needs, although of course there are other ways to achieve these needs beyond intimate relationships. Desiring love, affection, and connection with a romantic partner is natural, so survivors can rest assured that those desires are normal, even when past relationships haven’t been positive experiences.

The truth is, deciding to pursue a new intimate relationship after abuse does carry some inherent risks. There is virtually no way to guarantee that a relationship or partner will not ever become abusive, as we know that some abusers are extremely manipulative and won’t show any abuse until long after a relationship has been established. This thought is extremely scary if you’ve experienced any form of abuse in a past relationship.

You may feel that you can’t ever fully trust another person again. We heard this theme from several of the survivors who have participated in our research. For example, one survivor said, “I have avoided getting close and intimacy and sex because they have been such triggers.” Another participants said, “I was afraid to enter another intimate relationship, I did not trust anyone.” Another shared the following experience: “My journey included learning to understand why I felt the need to be the one in control of my subsequent relationships and the one to end them rather than show any signs of neediness. I chose partners who I knew would not be suitable husbands or fathers of children in order to maintain both power and distance, and at the first disagreement or argument, I ended the relationships. It took a long time to disabuse myself of the belief that all men could become abusive if you were 'weak enough' to trust them.”

Making the decision to move forward with pursuing new relationships does mean accepting some inherent risks that can come from getting involved in a deep relationship with another person. Some survivors may be able to feel fully recovered from any of these fears, and one research participant said, “I knew I had overcome my past abuse when I felt like I wanted another intimate relationship and I wasn't afraid anymore.” However, for others, acknowledging the fears that can come along with this is an important step to moving forward. One survivor who participated in our research said, “I don’t think the fear will ever go away completely.” Therefore, moving into a relationship may require moving forward, despite the fear.

Developing self-awareness is important for being able to recognize potentially unhealthy relationship patterns as survivors enter new relationships. As one example, consider the following story shared by one participant in our research: “I was also hypersensitive to abuse-signals and warning signs, which made me prematurely end relationships, even though it was just a normal action, looking back. Any sign of jealousy or anything that reminded me of my abuser, I was out. I found reasons to leave even healthy relationships as soon as they became serious. I think I was just too scared to become stuck, like I had with my abuser. I am with a wonderful guy right now and couldn’t ask for a better partner.” Once you can identify these patterns, it’s easier to figure out how to alter them and move toward healthier relationship choices. Working with a counselor can be a valuable resource for addressing your emotional responses and relationship patterns when entering and exploring new relationships.

Several of the survivors in our research also emphasized the importance of entering into new relationships slowly after a past abusive relationship. This allows the time to get to know your new prospective partner, and it can also help make it easier to end any prospective relationships that show signs of being abusive, unsafe, or otherwise unhealthy. One survivor said that it took her “longer to commit to a new relationship,” and another shared that “I didn’t meet a new partner...until the children were old enough to acknowledge and communicate to me their fears or worries, if they had any.” Another survivor offered the following suggestion to others: “Don't jump into any new relationships, only do what is best for you and your kids at first.”

Taking it slowly also requires finding a patient, supportive partner. Two participants in our research shared meaningful examples of the importance of a partner who offers this type of support:
  • “I met my current partner through a mutual friend during this time, but I was not living in the area so we didn't form a friendship until a year later...When we started dating 9 months ago I had to work on my communication skills--how I confront issues, how I perceive things that he and I both do, and how I talk about them. Every day brings new opportunities to trust again--to trust myself enough to make good decisions, and to trust him enough to let him ‘in’. Every day is a challenge, but I'm finding it worth the struggle.”
  • “My husband had to earn my trust and slowly break down my wall, but he was patient and willing to do it for me. We have been married for two years and together for nine. He has promised never to hurt me like that and never has. It took years for me to totally trust him. My family has also been a huge force in my recovery.”

As this last quote suggests, having a strong social support system outside of any prospective intimate relationships is another important way that survivors can promote their safety in new romantic relationships. By having that support available, you’ll be able to reach out to friends and family members to discuss any potential red flags for an abusive relationship that may arise in a new relationship.

After an abusive relationship, entering a new intimate relationship takes a leap of faith and a healthy dose of trust in yourself. One participant in our research said about finding love again, “I NEVER thought I could do that again.” However, the stories of many of the participants in our research demonstrate that finding safe, healthy love after abuse is possible, especially when you seek a supportive and patient partner, develop your self-awareness, acknowledge the impact of fear or other emotions that may arise, and surround yourself with a support system that you can rely on through the ups and downs of a relationship.

Comments are closed.

    Archives

    November 2024
    October 2024
    September 2024
    August 2024
    July 2024
    June 2024
    May 2024
    April 2024
    March 2024
    February 2024
    January 2024
    December 2023
    November 2023
    October 2023
    September 2023
    August 2023
    July 2023
    June 2023
    May 2023
    April 2023
    March 2023
    February 2023
    January 2023
    December 2022
    November 2022
    October 2022
    September 2022
    August 2022
    July 2022
    June 2022
    May 2022
    April 2022
    March 2022
    February 2022
    January 2022
    December 2021
    November 2021
    October 2021
    September 2021
    August 2021
    July 2021
    June 2021
    May 2021
    April 2021
    March 2021
    February 2021
    January 2021
    December 2020
    November 2020
    October 2020
    September 2020
    August 2020
    July 2020
    June 2020
    May 2020
    April 2020
    March 2020
    February 2020
    January 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    November 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    June 2014
    May 2014
    April 2014
    March 2014
    February 2014
    January 2014
    December 2013
    November 2013
    October 2013
    September 2013
    August 2013
    July 2013
    June 2013
    May 2013
    April 2013
    March 2013
    February 2013
    January 2013
    December 2012

    RSS Feed

    Categories

    All About Intimate Partner Violence About Intimate Partner Violence Advocacy Ambassadors Children Churches College Campuses Cultural Issues Domestic Violence Awareness Month Financial Recovery How To Help A Friend Human Rights Human-rights Immigrants International Media Overcoming Past Abuse Overcoming-past-abuse Parenting Prevention Resources For Survivors Safe Relationships Following Abuse Schools Selfcare Self-care Sexual Assault Sexuality Social Justice Social-justice Stigma Supporting Survivors Survivor Quotes Survivor-quotes Survivor Stories Teen Dating Violence Trafficking Transformative-approaches