Giving Yourself Permission to Care for You: Self-Care Series Introduction

By Christine Murray, See the Triumph Co-Founder

Why is it so important for survivors of abuse, professionals who work with them, and others who are impacted by intimate partner violence to practice self-care?

Even when we know how important it is to practice self-care, why is it often so hard to do so?

Throughout this month, we’ll consider these questions during our series on Self-Care. At See the Triumph, we believe that an intentional, ongoing commitment to self-care is critical to maintaining mental, physical, and relationship health when your life is touched by domestic violence, whether personally, professionally, or both. Self-care is important for a number of reasons, including the following:

• Your health and wellness are important! You have value, and it is okay to make yourself a priority.
  
• Caring for your own health and wellbeing helps you heal from the impacts of trauma and abuse, whether you’ve experienced abuse directly or indirectly by supporting someone who has been abused.
  
• If you fail to practice self-care, you run the risk of burnout or developing ongoing mental and/or physical health problems.
  
• To be able to effectively help other people, it’s important to have a wealth of energy, insights, and other inner resources to draw upon, especially when challenges arise.
  
  

One of the biggest challenges to practicing self-care is simply giving yourself permission to do so. Because of the ripple of effects of intimate partner violence, there are often many people affected by any abusive relationship, and their needs can be great. So often, it’s easiest in the short-term to put others’ needs first and ignore our own needs as we do all we can to help others. Of course, caring for others and being generous and giving to others are important values that many people hold. We certainly don’t advocate for completely ignoring others’ needs in the interest of “self-care.”  In fact, practicing compassion and generosity toward others can be an important part of self-care.

As with many areas of life, finding balance is critical for effective self-care. Balancing one’s own needs with the needs of others is so important. However, many people struggle to make themselves a priority at all, and they find themselves with the balances tipped toward helping others and ignoring their own needs.

Through our research with survivors of past abusive relationships, we’ve heard from several survivors how important it is to simply give oneself permission to practice self-care. Consider, for example, the following quotes from participants in our research:

• “I decided I wanted to be a strong woman. I decided I wanted to take care of and rescue myself and not wait on someone else to rescue me.  I didn't want to end up yet another statistic.”
  
• “I made a promise to myself that I will never allow myself to be disrespected again.  I have always tried to love, honor and consider others and promised myself that I will only allow people into my life who treat me the same way.”
  
• “I live alone now, I never had before.. I had to learn to take charge of all aspects of my life, i.e. health financial,etc. I had to learn to think differently about myself, to believe I deserved a better life.”
  
• “I had to find the original ‘me’ who entered the relationship and make her healthy through relationships, self determination and struggle.”
  
• “You have to completely rebuild yourself and your life. Self-worth, self-care and boundaries are critical.”
  
  

For survivors of past abusive relationships, in particular, giving oneself this permission can be difficult, especially in light of the toll the abuse may have taken on their self-esteem. As one participant said, “(I had to work) out self-esteem issues, discovering I had skills and talents, and I am not as ugly as he told me every day.” Another said, “I had to believe I was worthy.”

This month, we aim to remind you that you are worthy of caring for yourself, and making your own health and wellness a priority. Giving yourself permission to believe this is the first step toward making self-care an intentional, ongoing practice in your life. Other topics we’ll address include the role of counseling in self-care, managing boundaries with others, and identifying self-care strategies that work for you. Throughout the month, we hope you will share your own experiences and suggestions for self-care. We look forward to hearing from you!