By Girl on a Journey, See the Triumph Contributor
Introduction by See the Triumph Co-Founder, Christine Murray: Our blog post yesterday addressed sexual assault that occurs in intimate relationships. Today, we're bringing you a post from See the Triumph's anonymous blogger, "Girl on a Journey." This blog details her experience with being sexually assaulted within her marriage. It's a graphic story, so please consider that in deciding to read on. However, it's also the truth of one woman's harrowing experience with being sexually assaulted by the man she married. We appreciate "Girl on a Journey's" courage in sharing her story so that others may learn from her experiences.
How can someone you are married to sexually assault you? My abuser did and as it was with all of his abuse, it was my fault...what he was asking for was reasonable and expected. His most frequent terminology for our intimate life was that I was either being a “wife” or a “non-wife.” If I wanted to be his “wife,” I would not wear clothes to bed and have sex several times a day. If it was my time of the month, as a “wife” I should take care of his needs in other ways. If I didn’t want to be his “wife” then he would be happy to get sex elsewhere. It was my fault he had to obsessively look at naked pictures of women online because I wasn’t meeting his needs. It didn’t matter that we did have sex almost everyday, I was still not able to meet those needs.
I could never get it right. If during an argument I went to our bed to sleep, he would use his foot to shove me out of the bed or drag me out by my ankle, telling me it was his bed and that I didn’t belong there. If I chose to sleep on the couch, he would come out to the living room, reprimand me and tell me I use sex as a weapon and was sick in the head...I was being a “non-wife.”
He would pin me down and shove his penis in my face during an argument demanding immediate oral sex. He would grope me aggressively during arguments demanding immediate sex. If the kids were present he would threaten to pull my pants down and “do it” right there if I didn’t go with him to the bedroom.
He would force hugs and kisses on me seconds after he had pushed me to the ground or explained in length what a horrible person I am. I should always want to hug and kiss him, he is my husband right? Again, if I resisted, I was sick in the head and a “non-wife.” On the flip side, when I was pregnant with our second child, he withheld sex for almost a year as a punishment for being “non-compliant” once. I was expected to be a “wife” even if I had morning sickness and felt exhausted.
Of course there is always more to the story, those things will always live only inside of me. Some things are too weird and too embarrassing. How did it make me feel, how do I feel about it now? All I can tell you is I don’t know...confused and numb is the best I can do. The person that sexually assaulted me is someone I love and vowed to spend my life with...someone I willingly entered into an intimate relationship with. He is the father of my children and someone that I still see to exchange our children. He still tells me he loves me, and always greets me with open arms for that expected hug.
This is the part of my relationship that I had the hardest time opening up with, it's just so personal and horrible and hard to face.