Self-Care and Boundaries with Others

By Christine Murray, See the Triumph Co-Founder

Many aspects of self-care relate specifically to the ways a person treats him- or herself, such as journaling, using relaxation exercises, and making decision to eat nutritious food and exercise regularly. However, being able to care for oneself often also involves creating healthy boundaries in relationships with others.

Establishing boundaries in relationships with others--especially close relationships--can be a daily process that may involve give rise to a number of significant challenges. From my background and training as a marriage and family therapist, I’ve come to believe that healthy boundaries are both clear and flexible, meaning that there is some clear understanding of what those boundaries look like, but they are able to be flexible enough to change when new circumstances arise. Boundaries that are too rigid or too loose can both become problematic.

One of the major challenges in establishing healthy boundaries in relationships with others is that other people do not automatically respect the boundaries we attempt to create. For example, we may ask a friend to only call us before 9 p.m., but only they can choose whether to honor that request. They may still call us after 9 p.m., and if they do., we are then faced with the choice of whether or not to answer the phone call. This is a relatively simple example, but the dynamics are similar even with more significant boundary crossings.

A significant boundary challenge for many survivors of abusive relationships is establishing a boundary within their relationship with their former abusers. By definition, someone who was abusive in an intimate relationship is not respectful of their former partner’s boundaries, and these boundary crossings were manifested in the power and control dynamics that occurred within the abusive relationship.

Some survivors are able to fully cut ties with their former abusers. However, other survivors need to maintain some sort of contact with their former abusers, such as if they share custody or live in the same communities or share social connections. The following quotes from participants in our research demonstrate the importance of working to establish boundaries in their relationships with their former abusive partners:

• “At great personal sacrifice (I moved away from my friends, my church and my home), I separated from him.”
  
• “I ceased all contact with my abuser and his family.”
  
• “I do not talk to him at all. Not even about our kids.”
  
• “At first it was hard I still had contact with him and tried to be nice with him. He still ran all over me and controlled my life. Then I realized he wouldn't just stop so I got a domestic violence order against him went against him several times in court. After he lost visitation with my (kids) then I cut all ties. I changed my phone number I didn't speak to anyone that was even around him. I blocked him and all his family from social sites. I became a stronger person and put my foot down.”
  
• “As much separation and as little contact as possible.  Very strong boundaries.  Document everything.  Being aware of what it is and what his motives are help me to separate his claims from reality.”
  
  

Boundary issues are also important for survivors to consider in their relationships with others besides their abusers. Several of the survivors who participated in our research mentioned the importance of establishing healthy boundaries with others in all areas of their lives--including friendships, family relationships, and new intimate relationships--as part of their healing process. These boundaries are illustrated in the following quotes:

• “Eliminate those around me who were causing more harm than good (including my family).”
  
• “I set boundaries for myself in terms of the friendships that I kept; language that I allowed others to use in my presence; gave myself permission to speak out about objectification of women, sexual assault, and intimate partner violence; and decided that I didn't have to "need" anyone, but rather want to be in a relationship with them.”
  
• “I stopped accepting that it's OK for someone else to treat me disrespectfully, to emotionally or verbally abuse me…I built a new support system of people who love me, make me accountable for irrational decisions, and are committed to my personal growth, not just their own.”
  
• “Stopped letting people walk all over me, became more assertive...said no more. Helped other people going through the same thing by listening to them and giving suggestions to maybe help them in their situation.”
  
• “I have friends who value me and treat me really, really well. I avoid any man who exhibits any kind of “red flag.’”
  
• “I changed the people I hung out with. Associated myself with positive people.”
  
• “I've learned to cut out people who are ‘abusive’ even in small ways--I just won't stand for it in my friendships.”
  
• “I started attending church and hanging around positive people who accept me how I am.”
  
• “Really, the biggest thing that you need to overcome is the dependency on other people. Often time when you are in a committed relationship, especially one that has resulted in children, you will find that you feel the need to be with that person. You are dependent on that relationship because that is what you know. I just had to find the strength to know that I did not NEED that relationship. To me, that was one of the biggest things. I became self-reliant and to become self-reliant helped me to build back up my self-esteem and self-worth.”
  
  

Maintaining healthy boundaries in relationships is no easy feat. Guilt, self-esteem issues, disrespectful actions, and obligations can all add to the challenges that you may encounter as you work to create and maintain healthier boundaries in relationships with others. Give yourself permission to take time to build these boundaries, and remember that boundaries may need to shift and adapt somewhat over time.

The boundaries you maintain with others reflect the value you place upon yourself. You deserve to be treated with respect by others and yourself. As the above quotes from participants in our research demonstrate, deciding to commit to healthy boundaries in relationships with others is an important part of self-care. We’d love to hear from you about the ways that you’ve been able to work toward healthy boundaries in your relationships--Share your ideas by leaving a comment below!