Week 4/Message 4: Remember that dating relationships are a time for learning and growing

By Christine Murray, See the Triumph Co-Founder

Dating relationships during the teen years can be really intense for many reasons. It’s normal for teen dating relationships to be filled with a lot of ups and downs, and even the definition of “dating” today among teens can be hard to pinpoint. Technology and social media have added to the intensity of dating relationships among teens today, especially because they make it easier than ever for teens to stay in constant communication with each other.

I would guess that if you asked most adults, they could tell you stories of at least one person they dated--or wanted to date--during their teen years that they thought was “the one” for them, but who ultimately turned out not to be the right person for them, or the relationship didn’t work out for other reasons, such as moving away to college or other changes in life.

As an adult, I can tell you that it’s very, very rare for dating relationships that start during the teen years to turn into lifelong romances. I’ve probably met thousands of people in my life as an adult, and I can think of only a few who ended up marrying or being in a lifelong relationship with their “high school sweethearts.” Of course, it’s very romantic when that does turn out happily, but I would guess that if you’re a teenager reading this now, if you could fast-forward your life 20 years, you’d find that very few people you’ll know, too, would be together with the same person they like or are dating right now.

So, if teen dating relationships rarely last, what’s the point in having them? I suppose someone could make the argument that it’s a good idea to skip dating and relationships altogether during the teen years and just wait until there’s a better likelihood of a relationship working out. And, of course, you don’t want to go into any relationship expecting the worst and doubting that it will last. Even going into a dating relationship that might not last, it’s important to keep an open mind and have a positive view of the future of the relationship, especially a healthy one.

Dating relationships during the teen years can provide teenagers with a lot of valuable learning experiences about relationships, as well as about themselves. But, it’s important to be smart about dating as a teenager (and at any age, really!). Five suggestions for dating safely and smartly as a teenager are:

1. Be safe in your relationships. I’m not just talking about safety related to your sexuality. A lot of parents and adults focus just on this type of safety, but I want you to think about your emotional and physical safety, too. Look for a partner who cares for your safety and wellbeing. That guy who drives too fast down the road when you’re in the car? That girl who’s encouraging you to use drugs? That person who makes mean jokes at your expense? Steer clear of them! Value your life and your self-worth enough to make sure that any dating relationship you enter promotes your safety and health.
   
2. Take it slow in getting to know someone you’re dating. Try not to rush into relationships. I know that some dating relationships for teens only last a few days--and those few days can be intense! But, if you’re trying to decide who you want to spend time and invest your energy in, you want to make sure you’re making a good decision and choosing someone who’s worthy of that investment. There are no shortcuts in getting to know someone--take it slow and get to know a potential partner slowly, over time, and in a wide range of situations so you can see what their true character is.
   
3. Keep on growing in other parts of your life, too! Dating and romantic relationships are just one possible part of life for teenagers, and it’s important to make sure that any relationship you’re in doesn’t keep you from growing in other areas of your life as well. If you find a relationship is hurting your growth in other areas of your life, it might be time to scale back or even end the relationship.
   
4. Practice good relationship skills. Whether or not your relationship lasts forever, it’s always a good idea to practice good relationship skills, and developing these skills can help you in many other areas of your life throughout your lifetime. Some of these skills are positive communication, effective conflict resolution and problem solving skills, and managing your emotions, such as anger.
   
5. Understand that some relationships end, but there are lessons to be learned even if that happens. There are a lot of valuable insights that can be gained from the relationships that don’t work out. If a dating relationship ends, take time to think through the lessons that you can learn from it. What does this relationship tell you about what you’re looking for (or want to avoid) in a future relationship? What do you think went well about the relationship? What do you think you can learn from the problems you had? By considering these lessons, even a relationship that doesn’t last can help you learn about yourself and develop more strengths to build on in future relationships.
   

Overall, it’s important to trust your own intuition first when it comes to making decisions that impact your happiness, safety, and future. If you’re a teenager who is dating, make a commitment to seeking a relationship that is safe, positive, and provides opportunities for you to grow as a person. Appreciate the lessons that relationships can provide--even the ones that don’t work out.

To sum this all up, our final message during this fourth week of our focus on #safedating4teens is this: Remember that dating relationships are a time for learning and growing.