When Someone You Know is Experiencing Dating Violence: Reach Out, Don't Run Away

By Christine Murray, See the Triumph Co-Founder

I know it’s not easy to know or suspect that someone you know is in an abusive relationship. It can be frustrating, scary, and challenging to know what to say or do in this situation. On the one hand, you want to help that person. But on the other hand, you also respect their privacy and right to make decisions for themselves. You may have tried to help in the past, but they weren’t responsive. You might not agree with the decisions they’re making to stay in their abusive relationship. Or, you might just not know what to say.

Today, I want to share with you some stories from the survivors in our studies that show just how important it is to reach out to people who are being abused. Because this is Teen Dating Violence Month, for today I’m just focusing on participants who were in dating relationships (i.e., they said that they were in dating relationships or were in committed relationships but not living with their partners when we asked them to describe the highest level of commitment they had in their past abusive relationships). Of course, many survivors in other types of relationships, such as marriage or domestic partnerships, face similar experiences. However, following our theme of “It’s Teen Dating Violence Month: Let’s Talk!!!”, I wanted to focus today on the importance of reaching out to those who are experiencing abuse in dating relationships.

Through our research, we’ve learned that isolation is a big part of the stigma surrounding intimate partner violence. This isolation can be so powerful that many people in abusive relationships come to feel that they have literally nobody they can turn to for help or support. Isolation was a very common theme for the survivors in our studies who had experienced dating violence. Let’s take a closer look at how that isolation can happen.

First, the isolation can result from the abusive partner’s controlling behaviors. As examples, here are a few quotes from survivors of dating violence from our research:

• “He tried separating me from my friends and family and was possessive and always wanted me to have to be with him. I had to lie to him and tell him i wasn't feeling well in order to hang out with MY friends separate from him.”
  
• “I experienced isolation and separation as the abuser became so controlling of me and who I could be around/talk too.”
  
• “I lived with a male when I was 19 years old who was psychologically abusive.  He attempted to isolate me from my friends and family, did not work when we were together, and would threaten to commit suicide to play on my emotions and control me.”
  
• “Of course part of the mental process was isolating me from family and friends so that when the physical abuse did start, who was I to confide in?  The people I had coldly pushed away to spend more time with my new love?  These phases and the cycle of abuse  became clear quickly after (1 month) leaving the hospital and moving in with a family member and experiencing normal life again.”
  
  

Second, an abuser and survivor may be part of the same social circles, making it difficult to get help from others. Seeking help becomes more complicated when a survivor doesn’t know if their friends or family members will side with them or their abuser. The following participant’s story provides an example of this challenge:

• “My ex-boyfriend was friends with another one of my best friends, so I always felt bad talking about how bad the relationship had been and how poorly I had been treated. As a result, after my friend told me I needed to ‘get over it,’ I felt uncomfortable talking about much of anything around my friends and quickly became extremely isolated from almost all of my best friends. Because a number of my friends were also friends with my ex-boyfriend, after we broke up some of what I said to friends wasn't taken 100% seriously, because (it seemed to me) like people often thought I was acting in a certain way because I was hurt about being dumped.”
  
  

Third, some survivors are afraid to reach out for help because they fear that they will be judged or embarrassed after they tell others about their experiences. One survivor said: “I felt isolated because I did not want to tell people. We went to high school together so a lot of our friends had to 'take sides.' therefore I lost some friends because of it. It was embarrassing as well, b/c he told a somewhat different story to people, and I never felt that my side was heard by some friends.”

And finally, some survivors find that when they reach out for help, the people they reach out to distance themselves or provide unsupportive responses. For example, one survivor said:

• “My friends would also isolate themselves from me because they saw me as ‘a mess’ and it wasn't fun to be around me anymore because I was always crying or talking about him. My friends and family blamed me for the abuse in the sense that they were like ‘Why is she so stupid? Why does she put up with it? Why doesn't she leave?’”
  
  

Another participant shared that, “After being told by one of my best friends that I ‘need to get over it,’ I felt that I could not talk about the abusive relationship I had been in.”

All of these factors can add to the isolation that dating violence survivors may encounter. I know it’s hard, but for all these reasons, if you know or suspect that someone you know is in an abusive dating relationship, reach out to them, don’t run away. Chances are, they are already feeling quite isolated and lonely. Be prepared that they may not initially want to or feel safe to do anything different to leave or change their relationship. This can be very frustrating to watch. However, you can send a powerful message to this person by letting them know: “You don’t have to face this alone.”