The Triumph Over Abuse Blog
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12/18/2014 See the Triumph's "My Self-Care Action Plan"We've developed this "Self-Care Action Plan" to help you consider self-care strategies that you could put in place in your life. Take some time to jot down ideas in each section included on the Plan. You may find some sections apply more to you than others--feel free to add more ideas on a separate sheet of paper as you see fit. Remember--this is your own plan, so think carefully about what would work best for you! You can download a pdf copy of the Plan at the bottom of this post. We hope this will be a helpful resource to you as you make self-care an ongoing priority in your life! 
By Alyson Swann, See the Triumph Guest Blogger
In life we must realize that in order to survive, we must make the decision to live. You are a survivor. We all are survivors. There is a warrior that stands tall within each and every one of us. Against all odds, we must love ourselves enough to move past all that is destructive and continue to rebuild ourselves. To Live, is to Love. To Live, is to move on. To Live, is to be strong! Whatever you do, remember to Live to go on! I Am A Warrior Who Lives (Through the eyes of a survivor) Living takes the place of the constant pain of complacency. Living means leaving all that is destructive behind, Living means moving with time. Living is taking control of your life, loving yourself despite the obstacles that might, cause you to lose if you do not Live. I am a warrior who refused to die on the battle field. I am a warrior who refused to be killed. I am a warrior whose wounds have been healed. I am a warrior who chooses to Live. Despite the odds, Despite the constant rip of the heart, Despite the tears, Despite the uncertainty of what was near, I packed my things despite the fear, and chose to Leave, in order to Live. I am a warrior. The same Warrior, that lives in YOU. ********************************** You are a survivor. You have stood against all odds. Continue to live for yourself, and for those who may not have the chance that you possess. Continue to love yourself, and know that you are have been chosen to live to the best of your ability. Life has so much in store for you. Never forget how far you have come. Continue to survive, continue to strive, continue to live! LIVE The moment that I was born I was chosen to fulfil a purpose a purpose filled with roses and sunshine. a purpose that would take struggle and opposition to completely fill. a purpose that slipped away from the tips of my fingers before I could ever grasp the chance to live. a purpose that was stripped from my soul before I could ever grasp the chance to give myself everything and more of what I truly deserved. The moment that I was wounded my entire world shut down right before my eyes, although I moved as if I could not see. I no longer knew the person that stood in front of me in the mirror. As pain grew nearer, I grew further from my identity. lashes to the heart became expected as I neglected the ability to feel, I remained numb. subconsciously knowing that it was time to leave all that had me shackled behind but I continued to stay. Until one day, choices no longer existed. The choice was made, my existence instantly faded away brutally, twistedly taken away. If only I would have lived before I couldn’t. If only I would have left before I wouldn’t. Words for all who have experienced misuse never become accustomed to such abuse. Always make the choice to live past the horrors of past, and past the fears of today, in order to make it to the beauty of the future. Live for those whose spirits fly through the clouds of heaven. Live for those who lost the choice to do so. Live for those who left without loving themselves. Live for yourself LIVE. Alyson E. Swann is a BA student in the Theatre Arts Department of the University of North Carolina at Greensboro, currently representing the prestigious Pi Zeta chapter of Alpha Phi Alpha Fraternity, Inc. as Miss Black and Gold. She is a natural born writer and poet, and plans to use her gifts to reach and touch the lives of women all over the world. Aside from writing, acting has always been her heart’s true desire. She has recently been casted in a local television show entitled “Stay the Night” which will air in 2015 on local television station “MY48”. Her plans are to further her acting career immediately following graduation. The philosophy that she lives by is “Change is the essence of Life. Be willing to surrender who you are, for what you could become.” 12/17/2014 Dear Queen By Alyson Swann, See the Triumph Guest Blogger
Take a stand through love. In the midst of the storm, the love for one’s self is what preserves our precious spirits, and nurtures our precious hearts. Love eliminates fear, accumulates courage and initiates change. The love that we have for ourselves, alone, allows us to survive. Remember, you are a Queen. Love yourself, and every part of you. Dear Queen. Dear Queen. where’s your crown? Never lose sight of the royalty that lives within you. you are chosen. you are worthy. you are everything. Those who do not understand the magnitude of your power will carelessly handle it, and try to dismantle it. you are chosen. you are worthy. you are everything. Never lose sight of the greatness that you deserve. Never lose sight of the greatness that you possess. Dear Queen. Love yourself. Love moves. Love strengthens. Love protects. you are chosen. you are worthy. you are everything. Dear Queen. Wear your crown. Alyson E. Swann is a BA student in the Theatre Arts Department of the University of North Carolina at Greensboro, currently representing the prestigious Pi Zeta chapter of Alpha Phi Alpha Fraternity, Inc. as Miss Black and Gold. She is a natural born writer and poet, and plans to use her gifts to reach and touch the lives of women all over the world. Aside from writing, acting has always been her heart’s true desire. She has recently been casted in a local television show entitled “Stay the Night” which will air in 2015 on local television station “MY48”. Her plans are to further her acting career immediately following graduation. The philosophy that she lives by is “Change is the essence of Life. Be willing to surrender who you are, for what you could become.” 12/17/2014 Poetry: The HealerBy Alyson Swann, See the Triumph Guest Blogger
You are a survivor and healing is an ongoing process. Poetry is one way to explore the healing process and build yourself up through self-expression. Poetry is one of the most beneficial forms of therapy. The art of writing poetry is an amazing tool for healing and personal growth. It provides unique opportunities of self-discovery and self-love. Life and energy are discovered through the words of poetry. The writing of poetry gives us the chance to discover how our vulnerabilities and strengths thrive together. Poetry gives voice to what is wounded in our lives, and has the power to guide us through rough times. Poetry profoundly heals and transforms. Poetry is life! Helpful Steps in Writing Poetry:
Alyson E. Swann is a BA student in the Theatre Arts Department of the University of North Carolina at Greensboro, currently representing the prestigious Pi Zeta chapter of Alpha Phi Alpha Fraternity, Inc. as Miss Black and Gold. She is a natural born writer and poet, and plans to use her gifts to reach and touch the lives of women all over the world. Aside from writing, acting has always been her heart’s true desire. She has recently been casted in a local television show entitled “Stay the Night” which will air in 2015 on local television station “MY48”. Her plans are to further her acting career immediately following graduation. The philosophy that she lives by is “Change is the essence of Life. Be willing to surrender who you are, for what you could become.” 12/16/2014 Grief and Loss During the HolidaysBy Melissa Fickling, See the Triumph Guest Blogger
Even though feelings of grief and loss are common, many people mistakenly think that they should “get over” these feelings quickly and privately, without letting others know the depth of their pain. There are unwritten and unspoken social rules around grief and loss which can lead to denying and stuffing down feelings. Some people numb their feelings with excessive consumption – an unhealthy standard that is readily accepted during the holiday season: excessive drinking, eating, or spending money is common at this time of year. This unexpressed grief can have unwanted consequences on our wellness. It can be especially tempting to “stuff down” our feelings of loss, loneliness, and sadness around the holidays when it can seem like everyone else is in high spirits. We can grieve any number of losses. Most commonly we think of loved ones who have passed away, but we can also grieve the ending of a relationship, or the loss of a job, identity, or role. We can grieve experiences that we hoped we would have but now realize we may never have, such as becoming pregnant. We can feel loss related to aging or changes in our health. We can experience grief and loss during any expected or unexpected life transition. And since life is always changing, we can experience these feelings to varying degrees all the time. The holidays can be a bittersweet time. Here are some positive ways you might want to deal with feelings of grief and loss during the holidays. Community. The important of finding a community of support cannot be overstated. A community group, spiritual or religious community, and even online groups can be helpful. Be open about how you are feeling and try to find a group specifically focused on grief so that you can feel open about sharing. If you share custody of your children, you may have to be away from them for the first time during a major holiday. See if you can join a friend’s family for festivities. It can be fun to be around someone else’s family on a holiday if yours is far away or if being with your own family causes more pain than holiday cheer. Counseling. Many hospice and palliative care organizations offer grief counseling at little to no cost. Find a hospice organization near you and ask if they offer this. If they don’t, they will be able to connect you to helpful resources. If you are trying to help someone who is grieving, understand that people grieve differently. The important thing to do is let your friend know that you are willing to talk or connect them with resources if that is something they want. Take Your Time. You do not need to “get over” a loss. In keeping with the theme of self-care, when it comes to grief and loss, you do not need to apologize for your feelings. By avoiding your feelings now, you will probably not bypass the healing process, only delay it. Sometimes it can be helpful to actually schedule time to grieve. For example, you can reserve a day next weekend to focus completely on the person or circumstance you are missing. This could include journaling, going for a walk, visiting a favorite spot, watching a movie or listening to music which holds special meaning. Finally, remember that having these feelings means you are a sensitive person – they are never a sign of weakness. There will be good days and harder days. The loss you have experienced may be part of your life forever, and how much emotional space it takes up for you may ebb and flow over time. The holiday season can give us warm feelings and also remind us of those raw places in our hearts. Take good care of yourself always, and especially during this time of year. Melissa J. Fickling, MA, LPC, NCC is a Doctoral Candidate in the Department of Counseling & Educational Development at the University of North Carolina at Greensboro. She is the instructor for CED 574A: Women’s Issues in Counseling for the 2014-2015 academic year. Melissa has worked as a counselor in college, community, and private practice settings where she specializes in issues related to work, career, and transition. Melissa completed her doctoral cognate in Women’s and Gender Studies at UNCG. She is on track to graduate with her Ph.D. in May of 2015. Her dissertation is examining career counselors’ perceptions of social justice advocacy behaviors. 12/14/2014 Managing Boundaries: The four types defined, and why flexible boundaries are important for self-careBy Vanessa Stevens, See the Triumph Guest Blogger
Boundaries are defined as the rules or limits a person creates for themselves. Boundaries can either be physical (external) or psychological (internal). In relationships, these are our personal guidelines as to what are reasonable, safe and permissible ways for others to identify with us. Physical boundaries could mean how and when we allow others to physically touch us, and where our comfort level lies. Emotional boundaries are harder to identify, which is often why emotional abuse is harder to report, especially when it doesn’t involve any physical violence. Boundaries are often put in place by the way we choose to communicate. For example, someone who is passive will have fewer boundaries than someone who is more assertive. Someone who is passive-aggressive may have a combination of few boundaries, and later strike back and invade others’ boundaries. Here are 4 main types of boundaries, adopted from Nina Brown, author of Children of the Self-Absorbed and other books:
Whereas unhealthy relationships are often built on fear, healthy relationships are built on healthy boundaries, with both partners accepting and respecting the other. They are not selfish, and they represent self-love. In fact, real love can’t exist without boundaries. How else will you know where you end and I begin? Boundaries are for your well-being and protection, and they are an important part of self-care. They are present and clear, protective, and not invasive or harmful. They are appropriate, not controlling or manipulative, and often times include compromise: a well-balanced give and take between partners. Boundaries help us have healthy relationships with ourselves and those outside of ourselves. Your relationship suffers when you are unhappy. Make yourself a priority. It takes commitment—and developing new healthy habits--but it’s important to stay conscious of the many ways to maintain your sense of self protection, further protecting you from emotional harm in future relationships. Note: *Emotional contagion, also known as emotional transfer or vicarious emotion, happens when subjective emotions are transferred to those witnessing the emotions, sort of an “emotional co-dependency.” The Purple Song Project: It is possible to thrive offers survivors of domestic violence hope, healing and awareness… through songs! Its founder, Vanessa Stevens, is on a mission to identify what helps survivors really, truly move on after trauma, and she explores the ways music and art can help others heal. She also is a freelance article writer (online and off) and continues to produce theme songs for businesses, non-profits, and films. Connect with Vanessa at purplesong.com, twitter (@Van Stevens), or Facebook (purplesongproject) 12/14/2014 Ways to Say "No" to Make Room for Self-Care By Melissa Fickling, See the Triumph Guest Blogger
‘Tis the season for selflessness? Not if you are already struggling to take care of your own needs. This time of year it can be especially tempting to stretch ourselves too thin, giving too much of our time, energy, and resources (i.e., money) to others in the name of holiday cheer. Get a head start on your New Year’s Resolutions, and put yourself at the top of your gift list. Yes, this is old advice, but it persists because it has merit. If you can’t commit to putting “ME” at the top of your list, think about bumping yourself up a spot or two and seeing what happens. From invitations, to requests for help and donations, to enduring the busy season at work or at home, when faced with a decision, ask yourself the following: · Will this activity give me energy or deplete it? · Does this person or organization absolutely need me for this project? · What is the worst that will happen if I say no? · Am I able to say yes with 100% enthusiasm? If not, why am I considering committing? And since saying no can be hard, especially for those of us just starting to get the hang of it, here are a few phrases you can borrow: · Thank you for the invitation, but I have other plans at that time. · That is not something I can commit to right now. · I have promised myself (or my family) not to take on any additional projects. · I have to pass, but please keep me in mind in the future. · I am unable to at this time. · That isn’t something I am interested in, but I’m sure you will find the right person. · I’m working on taking extra good care of myself, and this just doesn’t fit into my schedule. · No, but thank you for thinking of me. · No, but I wish you the best in reaching your goal. · That’s not for me. · No. Finally, remember that you do not need to apologize for saying no. You do not need to justify your saying no. The world will continue turning, your true friends will support your boundaries, and you loved ones will appreciate the fact that you are taking better care of yourself so that you can spend your energy where it matters most. Melissa J. Fickling, MA, LPC, NCC is a Doctoral Candidate in the Department of Counseling & Educational Development at the University of North Carolina at Greensboro. She is the instructor for CED 574A: Women’s Issues in Counseling for the 2014-2015 academic year. Melissa has worked as a counselor in college, community, and private practice settings where she specializes in issues related to work, career, and transition. Melissa completed her doctoral cognate in Women’s and Gender Studies at UNCG. She is on track to graduate with her Ph.D. in May of 2015. Her dissertation is examining career counselors’ perceptions of social justice advocacy behaviors. |
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